Journey 2 Zendipity

>> It never truly felt like I was smooth sailing, more like repeated intervals of crash landings while the plane remained on fire.  This was what I knew to be “life”. <<

March 2017

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I wrote that on my original site “Krash_Landing”. I always wrote “Krash” with a “K” because it’s how I’ve always signed my things, with a “K”. So, before someone corrects me, I am well aware it’s spelled “Crash”. Crash Landing, I got it.

However, KRASH landing was a personal representation of me, K, crashing and burning through life.

Anyways, I just got rid of that site today. I kept it around for years because it was something that tied me to some pivotal times in my life. Though I am glad that I am at the point where I can breathe and try to let that go a bit more I am feeling a bit … empty, at this moment. Like losing someone I love. Maybe because other than my memories, those anonymous stories were all I had left of the me that was slowly dying while being alive. The me that survived a lot to make it to who I am today.

I am a woman who is alive solely by the Divines grace. Many times in my life I was close to not being here. By both outside and inside events that I lived through. Of course, those who love me try to remind me it’s because of my resilience, my strength, my ambition, etc. but I know the truth.

I am only here because the Divine wants me to be and for that, I am finally grateful.

You see, just X years ago I sat on the beach sand ready to end my life.

_{(I use X because sharing a number would tell those that know me when in my timeline it was. It would overshare things that I am not ready to share with just anyone, yet.)}

I had the thoughts before, many times even, but this one particular night, it was different. It was the very first time I could genuinely and wholeheartedly answer “no” if asked, “Do you want to live?”.

Please know I adore my child more than anything, I mean, I seriously love the crap out of that kid. He’s awesome but in that moment of my life, I felt love but same time I couldn’t feel anything. Hard to explain. It was like every piece of my being wanted to be there for him, help him, love him, protect him but I just felt .. numb, I guess is the closest word. When I did feel a word I could express, I mostly felt this deep, gut-wrenching, nothingness-like pain. Goodness, it’s so hard to explain the “feelings” from that moment in my life. Never really tried to explain it in depth.

Anyways, that night was a moment I will never forget. Even as I write this, I have had to stop writing because I have just gotten deeply lost in that moment all over again.

The whole way to the beach I had these “day dreams” of me crashing head-on into another car or building or of being in a car accident (that didn’t end up being my fault) and getting pinned by multiple cars. I mean I had these thoughts a lot but this night was a whole other level of seriously gruesome thoughts. The only thing that remained constant was that I never wanted to hurt anyone throughout my own pain. I really really didn’t want anyone else to get hurt, especially my son, so I didn’t live out any of those thoughts. Let me tell you, it was extremely hard that night but I knew even something like being in a car accident that was not my fault would mean someone else would have to live with that pain mentally or physically for life. I just couldn’t picture doing that to someone. I couldn’t live with the thought of traumatizing my kid for the remainder of his beautiful life.

My kid has no idea but he’s saved my life, my soul, and my heart more time than I can count.

I pushed the thoughts aside as best as I could do and drove myself to the beach. I remember just being on the sand, staring at nothingness, and in pure numbness, I envisioned just letting myself slowly drift in and never coming back out. I sat there imagining myself walking into that ocean and never coming back out. Taking mental notes of what medicines I had at home, thinking of what would need to be done. Mentally took note of how much shit I had that I could get rid of, what papers I would want to make sure were easily found for my kids safety, written instruction on who he would go to, how much money I would be leaving for them to take care of him and his future. I mean seriously full-blown prep mode. Then the when and how. How to call the cops beforehand so they could get to me while my kid wasn’t there so he never even got a glimpse. Just be a in his new home living his best life.

I was just done. I mean so far done, I really had gotten to the point where I believed my kid would be better off without me. I believed it so much that I had notes on how he was better off without me and why. How there was no way that having me in his life could benefit him in any way. The list of ways I was making his live worse and how he was pure magic deserving of magic in return. How all I was doing was taking up oxygen.

I had no energy to keep going in that moment.

I wish I could say that I left the beach that night feeling differently and magically wanting to live but that would be a bunch of bs. It wasn’t a magical miraculous healing power that came over me out of nowhere or anything like that that kept me from crawling into that ocean that reminded me of the dark abyss I felt my life was. In fact, nothing happened at all. I just wanted to hug my kid. I just barely had an ounce of energy in me to get back in my car all because I wanted to hug my kid and not hurt him.

I went through my days of hell just barely getting through with the bright light that my eyes would soon close again.

I kept losing weight, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep peacefully though all I wanted to do was sleep and finding energy to do the littlest things like showering and brushing my teeth was tough.

Then a real boom happened in my life.

Here I was depressed, carrying around so much pain, shame, helping others with anything I could only for the reason that I didn’t want to hurt my son and my life came crashing down even more. Now I was depressed, carrying around pain, shame, heartache and now I was PISSED. Oh I was so pissed.

Now, I had barely any money, my credit was shot, my kid heart is broken, my world turned upside down, no way to get around, no friends, no family to lean on, and at this point pushing through the depression simply because now my kid really would not be better off without me plus I didn’t want to hurt him. I was the only thing my kid had and he was all I had.

The anger helped though. It was finally a feeling I could hold onto and push through with. It was no longer just hanging on by a thread so I wouldn’t hurt my kid but this massive ball of anger that I used as fuel eventually.

It wasn’t miraculous healing that got me out of that hole and it took YEARS to drag myself out of that hole. Not hours, days, months or even a year… it took me almost 4 years until I got to the day that I looked around and took a deep breath in appreciation for life.

Truth is, dragging myself out of that dark hole was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Releasing that anger that fueled me was a close second. Deleting krash landing was like closing the book.

Krash landing represented a woman that was physically alive but dying inside. A woman whose mind, heart and soul had been destroyed by people and circumstances in my life. Some that were totally my fault and others that were not. Krash landing represented a woman that was so alone the only thing there for her was written words.

No one in my life had a clue what I was going through. All I got was sly comments from people about my weight or lack of socializing and people assuming I wasn’t paying attention as they did me dirty, lied to me, and treated me like garbage because I was not acting on any of it but I soaked it all in. I was a sponge. Every negative word, action, emotion, and energy, I soaked up. Taking mental note of all the people in my life calling me their friend because I was there for them but never really saw that I was wearing a mask.

I have been through some shit in my life, I will share them eventually, maybe but this was definitely one of the “highlights”of when depression took over my entire life.

I chose to share this because I know now that I am not the only one who has suffered through a phase in their life like this. Because I know that there are people out there at this very moment that are going through this dark phase and others that have survived their dark phase but carry it like shame. I am sharing this because I don’t believe the God/Divine that I believe in put me through that hell just for their entertainment and because In this moment, that I went through all that for these very moments where I am feeling strong enough to be vulnerably naked and share a piece of my soul with someone.

When you look at my pictures, you may see a smile on my face and a few scars on my body but my real scars, the deep ones, the ones that almost broke me, the ones that changed me and my life are not visible. They are just scars that I carry with me every day.

If you are going through a dark time, please know, you are NOT ALONE. You truly are not. I know it feels like you are, I know it feels like absolutely no one could understand. I know it feels like the real you is invisible. I know it can feel like everyone, except you, is happy but all that is bullshit. It’s a lie. Everyone has a story they may not have shared, shame they carry, emotions they don’t speak out loud and you are not alone. You deserve love, you deserve peace, you deserve all the things that you don’t feel are in your reach and may not even want anymore but I still want to ask you to please hold on. There are anonymous support sites online you can share your feelings on without judgment, there are support groups that meet, hotlines (800-273-8255), and people who truly care. You just gotta find an inch of care within you to stretch your hand onto the solid ground so you can start pulling yourself out. Ask for help. There is no shame and again, you are not alone. It won’t be overnight and it won’t be easy but you can do it and you don’t have to do it alone. So please.. hold on and push through. I want to be able to hear/read/see your survival story one day.

For those not going through a dark time or maybe are but not so severely and trying to hide it, please be kind. Treating others negatively is NOT going to make you feel better. Keep in mind that everyone is fighting a war that others do not see. Be kind. Just be kind. Watch your words and actions. If not for anyone else, then for your own soul. To feel better. I mean, have you ever helped someone and felt so good afterwards? Well just be kind even if it’s for the sole purpose of feeling good that you did.

For everyone, dark time or not, being kind doesn’t mean being a punching bag. Set your boundaries, and know that you are not worthless. You are here for a reason. I can’t say what that reason is, shit, I don’t even know what my real purpose is but you are here. On borrowed time none the less and if you weren’t here, someone would truly miss you.

I am sending all of you so much love, strength, and good vibes.

-K