Journey 2 Zendipity

Growing up I was taught a lot of shit that’s been hard to shake off.

Things like crying , asking for help, and expressing your emotions are a sign of weakness. All vulnerability being a weakness.

I was taught things like the way you physically look matters more than what’s on the inside. I mean I was told that what’s inside matters but I was taught that the physical look was more important. Does that make sense?

Things like taking care of someone is the only real sign of showing love. I was told to take care of my mind but I was taught to care for others as a main priority.

I was told to love myself but taught that love is pain. That there was no thing as love, just as love. Even worse, that love didn’t exist without someone.

I was told a lot but the actions taught me more and I know the person who taught me all of it did the best they could in the mindset they were in. I know now that they taught me from their pain. I also know it wasn’t intentional but that doesn’t change the fact that it was engraved in me.

All their pain was engraved in me. All their hurt, their anger, their emotional turmoil. I took it all on as if it were my own and I lived my life through that. Meeting people time and time again that had similar mindsets.

It was all I understood and made sense, even when it didn’t make sense.

It – Fucked – Me – up!

Reprogramming my mind has been a constant battle. Admitting certain things is an even bigger battle. Seeing it all for what it actually is without rose colored glasses or pain filled glasses. It hurts to admit certain shit. To see things clearly. It honestly hits hard.

But, I woke up one day and realized that nothing will change until I make the move. Yup, we’ve all heard that but it takes that moment of whoa, to really get it.

Nothing will change until you make a change. Sure enough, Until I made a conscious choice to change, I didn’t change.

So I did and continue to do so.

I’m at a phase in my life where I want to be vulnerable with someone. I mean, full blown vulnerability.

I want to straight up ugly cry during a movie with someone next to me. I want to be honest with someone about how deeply I want old love. I want dates, written letters, playlists, game nights, being stupid and goofy with someone. All the things that I was taught were out of my grasps because it required a trust level I never really had to begin with.

I’m at a stage in my life where I want to turn off the part of my brain that holds all the fears it holds in all things. I want to do the shit that scare me, I want to rise in mutual love even if it is not forever, I want to talk about the shit that I’m ashamed of regardless of the outcome, I want to skinny dip and most of all, I want to be me so unapologetically that I have to lose the people that don’t accept it.

I’ve come so far but have so much further to go.

It’s a daily fucking battle. Especially in the world we live in. Feels like all of these things are just things we can only have in a dream but part of me feels it so deeply.

So I dance in my kitchen alone, I drink wine on my balcony and sing, I skinny dip by myself (we’ll sort of lol still working in this one), I take myself on dates, I do solo trips and I speak from my heart even when I know the other person may not give a fuck about it.

Because I’m trying to live my life not just wait until it “gets better” to start enjoying it.

Maybe all of the things I truly secretly desire are signs of weakness, but so what? If rising in love through all aspects of my life is a weakness, I don’t want to be strong anymore.

What I want more than anything right now is to feel everything so deeply that my heart have no choice but to snapshot those pictures of memories.