Journey 2 Zendipity

I’ve been playing with the idea of writing for many years.
I start to think of a creative topic or unique one but then back off of it shortly after.
Why? Well because I simply didn’t think that what I had to say was important enough or that it mattered.

So why am I here now? Truthfully?
No fucking clue.
Other than it’s a Sunday, I am feeling big things and have a lot on my mind. No Fucking clue.

My “journey to zen_dipity” has been not as zen_dipitous as you’d imagine, a lot more lonesome and painful than healing it’s felt like.

A few years ago, I got my heart broken pretty bad which made my world spin, all while trying to recover from a dark dark rabbit hole I had fallen into years prior, plus having to get my life together from almost scratch.
Now here I am almost 3 years after that world-turning soul-ripping situation and I am in a MUCH better place but still going through the motions.
Going through the ups and downs and merry-go-round of shitty strong emotions. Fighting this invisible monster of depression, intrusive thoughts, frustrating impulses and just trying to hang tight onto that sliver of light that sometimes feel more in my mind than real.

I went to church today and the sermon was about serving others. How people are always chasing after happiness but the true joy is in the blessing of serving others.
It made me think of a conversation I’ve had a couple times about if money is the bullseye, we will forever be chasing an impossible goal because numbers are infinite. It made me think of that so clearly. I’ve been chasing happiness, self-love, and success to the point where I’ve failed to see clearly. I’ve lost full sight of where I’m trying to go, what I’m aligning to. What my bullseye is. Fuck, what is my true desire?

I love writing, I want to publish more than almost any other goal in my life but writing isn’t the only thing I continuously think about. I also think about opening my own business, about maybe being a nurse to serve others, about adopting a teenager, about how I can devote my life to serving. I think about so many things but I don’t move forward with any of them.
Each of them for a different excuse, but they all go back to the same exact thing, I just don’t believe I’m different from the next person, I don’t believe that my words matter. I believe my words, my journey, my skills are just average, at best. I don’t believe I’m worthy of the life I want or the desires I hold and think of during the late nights or before the sun wakes up. They all go back to this feeling of being purpose-less, worthless, imposter who just so happened to survive this long.

A year after my heartbreak I really thought I had found self-love. I really thought I was living in this whole loving myself, making myself whole but the truth is.. I had just been running. Running from love, from society, from having a dream, from believing in anything that could be snatched. Just running from everything.
When the pandemic hit and the lock down happened, it was like the Universe gave me a gift wrapped in gold. Not the pandemic, but the quarantine.
Time alone without having to lie to people about why I wasn’t around them or having to fake more smiles. God, I spent so many years with a fake smile plastered and not a single person recognized it was false. I just was so tired of carrying the weight of not letting that fake smile slip.
During quarantine, I really could stop and put that fake smile away for a bit. Thank goodness.
I was able to just be! I took advantage and I started writing daily, reading, spending time alone on the balcony daily, and even started a YouTube channel. I would spread love and joy because I felt it more than I had in a long time, if ever. I meant all those videos. I realized quickly that Vlogging was NOT for me but it seemed to have touched some people and then I stopped everything.
I just stopped. I put myself back on the shelf, picked up the fake smile mask and started back on a routine life. Over what?! Over a project from work!
That was the excuse, I was too busy to deal with my journey or to keep going with the vlog but subconsciously I never believed it was going to grow or really make a difference in anyone’s life. I literally had people telling me it was helping them and I was still like.. “Psh no, they are just being nice”. So fucking stubborn. I’d become to comfortable in believing the worst in my self that I rather believe all these people were lying to me than to believe a clear as day truth. My words mattered.

It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been single and I haven’t been on a single date.
I haven’t been out with a group of friends in almost 2 years aside from work.
I have 1 friend I spend the most time with and even with her I distance myself often and repeatedly.
I don’t do social events, at all.
I barely even leave the house since I started working from home.
I have completely secluded myself from life and all the possibilities. Somedays I am absolutely miserable.

Yea, I go to the park often still. I still go on my daily walks. I am still painting, reading and I still write often, but It doesn’t feel the same. None of it feels the same.
I feel this massive hole in my heart. It’s like I shelved my Zen_Dipity and got myself stuck in the comfort of what ever this is.

I am officially a loner, and I don’t have a problem with it that’s been most of my life, but If I’m honest with myself it’s because I lack so much within myself. I lack confidence, I lack trust, I lack self-love. I am very aware I am not where I use to be and have come so very far, but just as aware that I’m so far away from where I want to be, and though I don’t use social media much anymore or post these fake smiles anymore, I am still faking smiles.. often.

In reality, I am feeling lonely as hell.
Completely forgotten. Abandoned. Replaced by people I loved with my entire being. I feel invisible. I feel destroyed. My worth equals my quality of work, somedays that’s not even enough to feel worth anything.

I feel my best when I’m helping others. No doubt about that. Always have.
I feel the most joy when others lean on me. I feel the most confident when I’m needed. All I want to do is leave the world a little better than it was before I arrived and it sucks that I can’t get out of my head long enough to believe that I’ve made any kind of dent. Regardless of anything, anyone says. I just don’t feel it.
I keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s like I was raised to believe that my sole purpose was only to help others, I alone without someone to help am a waste of air and this daily battle against that belief is just exhausting!

On the flip side, I try to be there for whoever needs but when I need someone, I completely shut down.
I mean shutttt dowwnnn.. I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t reach out to anyone and I sometimes then get so fucking sad that no one had reached out to me, but it’s no one’s responsibility! It’s my own responsibility to make a move. It’s on my to care for myself. It’s all on me. It’s always on me. As if I have much of a choice. It’s on my to make the move. So here is what I’m going to do.
I’m going to make a move.

Just one step forward. One step at a time. I’m going to share my thoughts, I’m going to share what I want to share and I know it’s a clusterfuck. I know often it won’t make sense to anyone but me. It’s all over the place, the topics change, the flow is awful, and some may be pure stupidity but I am going to do it and I hope that it helps someone, anyone. I hope that it makes someone feel a lot less alone because social media is a bunch of bullshit that can feel like you are crazy on your own and everyone is living incredibly. It’s bullshit. It’s a hell of a resource if you know how to use it but let’s not pretend, it’s a special kind of hell.
So even if the only way my sharing of thoughts helps someone is by letting them see what a hot mess I am and that they are not alone. Then so be it. Hopefully it shows that their brains aren’t the only ones that work funky and even against them. That your brains aren’t the only ones that that suffer from multi-thoughts at once, shiny object syndrome, depression, imposter syndrome, lonesomeness, intrusive thoughts, shame, anger, the absolute opposite randomly, nothingness or anything else at all.. you are not alone.
I often feel that no one would understand me, what I feel, or have gone through but I haven’t really tried to share it either. So this is my one step because I have suffered in silence for so damn long and I know logically I am not alone. Oh btw, I started writing my book at least 3 times now, THREE TIMES, and each time I back out of it end up deleting the whole damn thing.

I may be average at best, but that doesn’t mean my journey doesn’t mean anything. I may not mean a lot to many but I know I need to mean a lot to one, me.
My journey has been a lot of lessons and I do believe the Universe has a greater purpose for me. I still have no clue what that purpose is and I pray on it daily, but I’ve come to believe that I won’t know it until I start making one step forward at a time.

So here I am, raw, vulnerable, honest, public, feeling completely naked showing my soul, messy thoughts, mixed emotions, full of gratitude and praying “Lord, lead me. Lord, prompt me” because I’m only a human with a desire to help and spread love. Here I am for you, for me, for us all because I want to live in a world where we love more than hate and most importantly, I want to leave this world having made it just a tad bit better for someone. If people hate freely to those they don’t even know, why can’t I love freely to people I don’t even know?

One step at a time. – You are not alone.

-K

**Song that’s currently playing:
*Waymaker – Leeland