Journey 2 Zendipity

I chose this name because when I went to open this blog, I realized I had opened it many years ago and that was the name. Seems pretty fitting. Though I’m just realizing that Journey to Zen_Dipity is a journey that never ends. It’s not a place I will ever arrive to but the journey to a better me.

My journey has begun a few times in my life. My younger years during trips to an incredible place in Virginia that made me feel closer to the divine than I ever have. Then again when I met an incredible soul who taught me love and peace in a way I never had known. Once again after I feel in love with someone whose demons liked to play with my demons. Last time being when those very demons won the battle and crushed me. That last time began with that life changing heart break.

I’ve had heart breaks before, but this one took the cake the ground right from under me. It was then when I realized that if you don’t make a move, God will literally shake your whole world to make sure you make a move. It’s okay though, I needed that internal earthquake because that was the earthquake I needed to keep on my personal Journey to Zen_Dipity.

That heartbreak was deep because it woke me the hell up. Made me realize so much, as I think every heart break does but this one was a special wake up. It made me realize all the emotions I had been hiding deep within. The feelings of abandonment, loneliness, anger, hurt, and pure confusion.

Most people remember their childhood but mine is a big blur, bits and pieces I can put together but for the most part a massive blur and during the “healing” downs, I really had to face some of those blurs dead on. For the record, who ever says that healing is all about butterflies and rainbows has really never put in the work and is lying through their teeth. Healing isn’t all about great days, healing is about facing some seriously painful and ugly things. Hearing is a rollercoaster. You have some good days where you see how far you’ve come and then swoop, you are back down and feeling some crappy feelings really big and wondering if you are further behind than when you started. It’s a constant up and down. It was not fun learning that. I’ll never forget the boo hoo breakdowns and anger I felt when I woke up from nightmares over a year and half later and desperately trying to figure out why I was still feelings that pain. Healing is NOT fun but healing is incredible. The best way to put it is it’s like rebreaking a bone so it heals correctly but still having the lingering pains way after it heals. Ok, maybe that’s a shit analogy but hope it helps a bit.

Anyways, what I wanted to put down on paper today was about an emotion that I really truly dislike even writing about. Loneliness.

You know, I have gone days without saying a word before. Without seeing a single person, without a call, without a text, without any connection to anyone. It was like I didn’t even exist in the world during those days. I swear, if it wasn’t for my kid, I would have many more of those. I am so grateful for him, my fur babies and my new plant baby, Jerry.

Going days without anyone even acknowledging your presence is brutal. I was okay with it at first, but it wasn’t and hasn’t been the only time. The worst isn’t even that though, the worst is when you are in a room surrounded by people and smiling but inside feeling like no one even sees you are there.

I’ve felt all of the types of lonely that there could be. Especially during this healing phase, this journey of mine. I’ve had those days where I’ve been hysterical crying to God to please make the pain go away. Oh, the worst are the days I don’t feel good and completely alone.

Seriously, I’ve had some seriously down sad days. Just last week I walked the park and sat at a bench to meditate and ended up crying and praying and crying and then wiping my tears away like nothing ever happened because there was a party happening nearby. Loneliness is brutal.

One of my FAVORITE books is The Koan of Relationships: Love, Freedom & Aloneness by Osho. That book taught me a lot, especially about the difference between being alone and being lonely. Which really got me through a lot of tough days but loneliness is still very much true. When you crave a hug and have no one around, when you need to hear someone’s voice, have this unexplainable desire to just have a body to spend a moment with.

Point is, I have no cure for this. I really don’t. Only way I’ve moved on from those deep moments of self-loathing, pity and deep loneliness is by meditating, praying, staying busy with something I love like painting or helping another. Not asking others for me to help them but just silent acts of kindness. Of course, there are always exceptional shitty days where nothing helps, and I start going down the “what did I do so wrong to deserve a life of so much aloneness” or much worse. Which I won’t write because I won’t feed those thoughts an ounce of my energy.

I’m sorry, I don’t have a cure but what I do have is my own struggles with it. With depression, with anger, with pain, with nightmare, with loneliness. Again, the point of this is that hopefully if you are feeling this way you realize that there is NOTHING wrong with you and you aren’t alone. You aren’t alone that feels those things, thinks those things, that questions everything. You are not alone.

What I can also say is that we could never appreciate the sun without the rain or the rain without drought. Ying yang. It may feel like forever before that sun shines again or the rain comes but there is something to learn, something to see, something to grow from each season.

Don’t give up on you or your journey. Keep believing that you are here for a purpose. Something greater and just make 1 step forward today to feel joy. Whether it’s researching something you really want to do, volunteering, going out on a solo adventure, going on MeetUp and socializing with a group, talking to a therapist, calling someone you love even if they haven’t called you (as long as they are not going to poison the garden of your heart and soul). Make 1 step towards the weather you are so deeply trying to reach.

If what you need is to lay on your couch and binge watch a show, go for it. Just don’t stay in the muddy waters too long because YOU are worthy. YOU deserve to smile. YOU deserve to feel joy. YOU deserve to see the other side of that shitty weather. So do what you need for you right now but then make that 1 step forward, just one step and you are not alone. I’ll be rooting you from my very own garden of madness. You are not alone.