Journey 2 Zendipity

10 years ago today I was sitting in a doctors office waiting for my name to be called. To my left was my partner at the time and to my right, my 2 year old.

I still remember the nerves I had. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the night before my surgery where I slept maybe a few hours and we spent hours in Walmart looking for movies and staying busy because I couldn’t sit still but it was a close second.

Every time the nurse came out to get a patient, my stomach dropped. I think I played it cool but I never really asked. My name finally got called and I went in alone. I sat on this patient bed and waiting impatiently for the doctor. The room felt dark but most likely it was just my head spinning. The place felt so creepy but it was just a regular medical room. Nothing shady or different, it was just a room I knew I’d remember. Which I do.

Doctor finally came in and gave me the news. I deeply exhausted and was ready to move forward. I was awaiting the worst but I had some peace because I had already surrendered it all to the universe. In my way.

I stepped out to the waiting area once we were done talking, I told them let’s go and said nothing. I had already made plans that we would go to a restaurant on the beach and splurge, I’d get a summer dress and a large drink. Regardless of what was said in that room. So that’s exactly what we did.

We parked, I went into a store and got myself a dress (which at the time was unheard of), went to the beach and jumped in the wave. Laughed my ass off with my kid and each crash. Changed into the dress and went to eat. With a drink in my hand I finally breathed and let out the words. The tumor was benign.

The relief swept in and I could breathe again.

I never thought I’d forget that date but today I did. On my 10 year anniversary of my celebration of life. I completely forgot because bigger more horrifying dates happened after that.

It wasn’t until that same incredible human soul reached out today to remind me of the date. I had completely forgotten. One of the most frightening but beautiful days of my life.

I’m grateful for that forgotten anniversary. I’m grateful because it stuck with me for so many years and every time this month hit I remember reliving it. At least until 2017 when my life took a plunge and I learned fear on a different level. After that, that date no longer hung over me. I’m grateful because thanks to the glory of the divine, that day gabe me more days to be grateful for and even scared of. I’m grateful because that day, I truly released anything I was feeling even before the answer and I accepted fate regardless of which direction it was going and that, that was absolutely liberating.

I seriously cannot believe I forgot that date but so happy I was reminded. I got to relive the butterflies of gratitude that I felt as well as the fear that I felt. It reminded me that I’m alive by the grace of God.

I’ve come close to my expiration date three times. Three serious times and in my head I was always so ready for whatever came next regardless of the fear. All three times I was pushed by something greater than me to keep going and to remember that it’s not my plans that matter.

“Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans”.

I am so beyond grateful for this forgotten anniversary and for that beautiful soul that stood by me during that time. Who took care of me when I had absolutely no one else and less to give. I’ll forever be grateful for so much and humble I’ll remain. For whatever the universe provides, the universe can also take.

Happy 10 years to me, today I’ll look at my scar and remind myself it’s my battle strip.

I’m thinking of all those that hit their date and didn’t get the relief. I’m thinking of all those who had a family member who didn’t make it to. I may be grateful to be here but I’m grateful that you’re here too despite the pain and despite the loss. I truly am so genuinely sorry for your loss but So Fucking proud that you’ve pushed on and here. Sending you so much love. Take a moment today to put your hand on your chest and feel your heart beat. It’s a true blessing to have yet another moment.

Shit gets hard but everyday that we wake up, every moment we are breathing is a chance to change our lives and to love.

Sending y’all so much love tonight. ❤️ it’s not just my life anniversary, it’s yours too.