Journey 2 Zendipity

Love?

Lust?

Lick?

Hmm… maybe those work too LOL but the one on my mind is “lonely”.

Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable saying the word lonely?

Am I the only one that feels embarrassed to admit I’m lonely?

One of my favorite books “The Koan of Relationships: Love, Freedom, Aloneness – by Osho “, really helped me during the first long solo period of my life. It opened my mind to how I look at love, loneliness and aloneness. How I compared them.

It’s one of the reasons why I chose to learn to enjoy my aloneness. I started taking myself out on dates, getting myself flowers, taking pictures of myself, buying myself perfume and little gifts. Putting in effort and love to enjoy the woman I will wake up with every single fucking day until my last breath , me.

The problem is that, I’m human!

I miss physical touch, I miss companionship, I miss deep conversations, I miss the authentic connections, I miss having someone to kick it with, I realllyyyy miss laughing with someone.. Hell, I miss kissing and sex!

Yet, as much as I miss all of that, the fear of “am I ready” has been greater than my desire to actually meet people. The “I need to love myself first” became such a necessity and anthem that I started to feel bad when I felt lonely. I kept trying to switch it back to aloneness rather than loneliness because that feeling sucks. It sucks even more feeling that it’s a shameful emotion and IT IS NOT. I am human.

Even when I was younger, long before rocking my “I love my damn self” anthem, admitting I was lonely always felt like weakness. I’m not really sure I even used that word until I became an adult.

I can’t explain it, I don’t know why but that is my dirty “L” word and that dirty “L” word is exactly how I’ve been feeling.

Lonely.

Not just recently though, all my life. All my life I’ve felt lonely.

Lately it’s just been hitting a little harder with my kid getting older.

& as much as I wish I could go deeper into this topic, I’ve reached my public vulnerability limit for today lol

…

Just a reminder though..

Loneliness can suck but bad company can suck worse.

Choose wisely and don’t just be with someone to fill in that lonely space. Choose you. Choose happiness. Choose peace. Choose joy. Choose you.