Journey 2 Zendipity

I love beginning of the days, beginning of the months, beginning of years. Something special about that feel of a “second” chance. Though through my healing I’ve learned about taking each moment as a “second” chance because there is no guarantee of the next moment. Unfortunately, even now, day by day I still a struggle with this concept.

I use to celebrate the beginning of every month. It was amazing. I started to really look forward to that very first day. It was exciting. The endless possibilities of that month. I mean life can change in a day, but in a month even the subtle changes become visible. I loved it.

Then it stopped.

Life kicked my ass so bad one year that I lost all joy of any kind of celebration. Each moment, each day, each week, each month each everything felt the same as the last and sometimes even worse.

June was the month I hit that bottom.

June has one date that’s always really kicked my ass. My dads birthday. All the what if’s come up , the day dreams, the dream that life would’ve been xyz if he were here. This angel of mine holds a hell of a a lot of weight in his wings because in my eyes, all my life, I could’ve sworn he would’ve saved me.

There are 2 other massive dates in June of shit that absolutely rocked my world. In such a way, I never returned back to “normal”.

One of them being attached to the greatest shame of my life, and all three to the biggest life changing heart aches I’ve ever experienced.

June is so bittersweet.

It kicks my ass every year, even the years when I feel the most level headed and ready for it. Even the years, this this year, where I am in the best mental health I feel I’ve ever been in. It kicks my ass.

Its so insane that these dates are so engraved in my being that even when my mind doesn’t register the dates, my body and soul feel it.

I hadn’t even really paid much mind to these dates this time, I have been feeling just fine. Even had an incredible weekend. Now, almost done with day 1 of June, my heart is so heavy. My mind is in a fog and all I can do is keep on treading while maintaining a smile on my face. Like nothing is bothering me, I push through, I smile, I love, I overcome.

I am so determined to one year LOVE June. For everything it has taught me, for the strength I’ve obtained because of it. I am determined to LOVE this month as the blessing that it is, not hold the memory or feeling of the pain but focused solely on the blessing because without this month and these dates, i wouldn’t be who I am.

Even through the heaviness, I am grateful.

For the first of yet another month. For another day. For another breathe. I am grateful and that is what keeps me afloat.

I am wishing you all a month of beauty, rest, love, joy, peace, abundance and productivity. you are worthy of all you desire and there is no better day than today to stop and breathe in the beauty of another day, another month.

Sending y’all so much love.

Together we will push through another month of whatever it brings.