Journey 2 Zendipity

June blues started to kick my ass yesterday. I somehow managed to pull myself out of it for a short time and got reallyyyy excited about something I’m thinking of doing.

Then I woke up this morning and I am battling with a whirlwind of emotions. So many feelings and can’t even begin to untangle them all.

I am feeling forgotten. I am feeling abandoned. I am feeling unseen. I am feeling unloved. I am feeling unappreciated. I am feeling absolutely invisible. I’m feeling angry and sad and blessed. Yes, blessed because I survived but still, I’m fucking human.

For so many reasons.

And I knowwww I can grow through these emotions but today, I don’t want to grow through them. I want to sit and cry and eat and sleep. I want to be hugged, coddled. I want to not have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is fantastic but at last, the show must go on. Right? Everyone’s got shit going on, I got love to give and people to support. It really is what makes me happy, just today.. Blah.

Today I really just wanna hit the off switch and forget the world in the same way the world forgets about me.

I know in my heart that how I’m feeling are lies I’ve told myself to deal with things. I know these feelings are internal battles because I’m not being met at my level of love, I’ve set expectations and or maybe being spoken to in my love language.

I just, idk man. Why is it so hard for people to pour love into one another? Why the fuck is it so hard to turn around and ask the same person who just made you smile, how they are doing? And genuinely mean it, genuinely want to hear the answer? I don’t get it. I really really don’t,

My kindness gets me overlooked and taken for granted so often that it’s become the “norm”. Somehow my kindness gives people this idea that it’ll always be there and even worse, that my life is just perfect and that’s how I can pour my love to everyone.

Na, you know what it really is?

The love and kindness I spread is unique. It’s not your average cup o’ Joe. I know this to my core. The love I give makes people feel like they have a superpower. I make people feel seen. I’ve seen the transitions in people. I am honored, truly. The problem comes in that after they feel seen, strong, confident because of the love and kindness I’ve poured into them, they expect it without having to pour back or they exit the stage because they got what they needed. Fuck that.

Today I’m keeping my own damn cup , my own damn love, my own damn kindness.

Sorry y’all, I’m clearly not in the best head space and feeling tons of emotions. I’m a hot mess.

I know there is beauty in the struggle, there is growth in the pain, there are lessons in the stressin’ (lol it was a must to try to rhythm that out lol). Seriously, I know there is wisdom in all of this but today… I just don’t wanna fucking hear it.

Today Is the day I wish people just would show up and show up without being told what day it is, without being asked to show up, without having to explain what I’m going through or that I’m going through anything. Just love because you love, forgetting pride and ego! I will never understand why it’s so fucking hard for people to just treat others the way they want to be treated. Clearly that saying doesn’t work. It is what it is. I’ll continue to treat others how I want to be treated, cause it’s just me. I really just wish that for one day, everyone put aside their own egos and just showered each foehn with love. – although with the way my worlds been set up, they would all shower each other with love and forget to come get me LOL what a knee slapper.

Anyways, I need to go check myself cause it’s a lot but thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate y’all. Especially today. Thank you. I really am y’all so much love today.

Love, -K