Journey 2 Zendipity

Letting go of someone you care about is one of the hardest things that healing requires you to do.

Healing is about your own journey, not worrying about anyone else’s journey. It’s about believing in your tomorrow being better than your yesterday or today. it’s about calling yourself out on your own toxic shit and changing behaviors, it’s about reprogramming and for me it’s about putting my peace above anything else.

Peace is the most expensive thing I have. It came at a price, it hurt like hell to get here and it will continue to be my diamond.

I got here through my healing journey and sometimes it has required me to walk away from people that I genuinely care about because they simply were not “good” for me or bring toxicity into my life while I’m continuously trying pull myself out out of that toxic shit. Other times I’ve had to walk away because of my own toxic shit I would bring to their journey.

I believe some people bring out your angels and others your demons. I’ve been with people whose demons played well with mine and vice versa. We were not healthy for each other. In friendship and relationships.

It sucks but it’s something I’ve learned about myself and my connections.

So I recently silently said goodbye to someone I love. They weren’t toxic for me but I was toxic to myself because of my attachment. I was toxic to myself over the expectations . I was being triggered by their decisions in the worst of ways.

I would get so angry watching them go through some shit I went through and watching them just accept it. Knowing they deserve better and even worse, wanting to be that better for them.

I found myself enraged at one point sitting their watching their toxic person go on laughing and smiling like everything was okay while I knew this person I care about is hurting so deeply. I was enraged to find out shit that was none of my business but hurt me deeply.

I had to walk away. I had to.

I had to walk away because my peace is more important than anything. My healing is more important than anything. If they were my partner, it would be a different story unless they were harmful to my heart, soul or mind but they aren’t. So I chose me.

I was simply on the outside watching someone go through the same bullshit I went through at a really hard time in my life and watching them ignore all advice. For whatever reason.

I found myself filtering my authenticity, pouring love into an empty cup, sharing moments that I hold close but in return having moments of anxiety and sadness. I was starting to repeat old patterns and seeing my own red flags flying high.

That’s healing y’all. Calling yourself out on your own shit. It’s not point fingers to everyone and their mommas, it’s looking within. It’s healing and loving from within. It’s so much but all of it starting inside.

I did learn so much though. I leaved that I don’t think we realize how deeply things that we do or accept can hurt those that love us. I learned that I learned a very valuable lesson about what I WENT THROUGH by watching someone else go through it. Sad that my own pain wasn’t enough to learn but I had to watch someone I care about go through it, it fucking learn the deeper lesson.

That deep lesson being, when we don’t love ourselves, we accept others crumbs. I learned that sometimes we love others because we love the expectations and dreams, we sometimes even love others because we love the version of ourselves that loves them. I learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t wait around in hopes it will be returned because if you do, by the time they do, you have lost yourself in the process. I relearned that people can only meet us where they have met themselves. Most importantly, I learned that I finally am the woman I have been striving to be. The woman that chooses peace over anything.

Believe it or not, that’s a massive win for someone whose rarely had peace in their life until this journey. I wasn’t sure I had learned enough to try it out in the real world lol but I did and I succeeded.

Granted there is more to the story of why I walked but that’s neither here nor there for this post because it all gets tied into the fact that for the first time in forever, I chose to love myself first and I chose my own peace.

What a fucking win!

To this person, I will always have love for you. I will always care about you. I cherish so much of our connection and always wishing you the absolute best. Always. I hope you find your light again because the world deserves to see that brightness. You’re light is needed in this world and your love is one of a kind. Maybe one day our paths will cross again but until then, I will continue to pray for you and send you love.