Journey 2 Zendipity

I have learned more about childhood wounds in my 30’s than ever before.

I’ve been reading about people who isolate when they are overwhelmed or going through big things usually are adults who as children had to figure things out on their own. Learning about the way we handle things in our adulthood is a reflection of our childhood.

Let me tell you, it sucks lol.

I have little memory of my childhood, my brain blocked the majority of my childhood. I remember through dreams/nightmares or flashes when a scent or something triggers a memory.

Every time I remember another thing from my childhood, I want to crawl further into a hole.

Truth is, I didn’t just have to figure shit out alone when I was a kid but I was alone. Very alone. I didn’t realize how much until I got older and started seeing others with their parents.

I always knew my upbringing was “different” from others but the older I get the more I recognize just how “different” and most importantly, how much it’s affected me.

I put different in quotations because it’s the closest, kindest word I could use.

My childhood made me grow up way too fast. It forced me into situations that some adults haven’t even had to go through. My childhood made me into who I am and I am grateful, but I would be lying if I said I always felt grateful for it. I fucking do not.

I’ve been alone the majority of my life & I have battled with my thoughts all my life. My thoughts have been my friend and my enemy but regardless of which, the only constant. Yet, positive thoughts don’t come easy to me, in fact, positive thoughts are rarely my first thought. I have to sometimes dead stop mid-sentence and ask myself “wtf?!” and then force myself to shift the way I’m thinking about something, or to stop the negative image in my head. I have to call myself out for calling myself names or overthinking, over and over again. This isn’t a natural thing. It has gotten a bit easier with time but still a daily thing I have to work on.

None of this positive shit comes easy to me. I want y’all to know this. Yes, I speak positivity into y’all as often as I can because I believe in the power of the mind, and I try really hard to spread love because THAT is the only positive emotion that comes so very naturally to me but the feelings and thoughts in my head are rarely positive. That positivity requires a ton of energy and work.

I’ve come to learn that a lot of this, if not all, really started in the root of my childhood and how fucking shitty is that??

I’m an adult now and I feel the way I do, I can’t even imagine what the child me felt like. I mean, I felt it and went through it but what I mean is as an adult, thinking back to me as a child, I feel some type of way knowing my child had to feel this. You know?

I think the reason I decided to write this is because every day I am understanding a little more how important it is to get to the root of things. Not necessarily having to remember particular traumas or memories, but for example – how you handled situations as a kid. Like okay, recently I was trying to figure out why I struggle to play like a child, I had to think about how I played when I was a kid. Another example is the one from the beginning, trying to understand why I can share and talk about whatever going on in my life except the big things I’m CURRENTLY going through. I don’t share those. I had to go back and understand the why.

For me personally at least, understanding the root helps me shift how I handle things going forward. I understood that I don’t share things I’m currently going through because I’ve always had to handle shit on my own. I haven’t yet learned to share with someone. Partially because I’ve never had someone to share with that can help, all it would do is share the emotions to someone. In my head there is no point. That roots from not having someone who cared about my problems when I grew up.

Make sense?

Point is, if you’re going through this journey, don’t forget your inner child. We are just that same child that just happens to have years of experiences. There isn’t a switch that just turns in and we magically become all knowing, healed, adults.

Through your journey, don’t forget the child in you. Send them love, give them hugs, love on them. Try to remember that a lot of our processes were created in things we learned as a child. Not all. If you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole cause you want to be. Don’t blame your parents, childhood, ex’s or circumstances for that cause that is 100% your choice and you’re just an asshole cause you want to spread your misery. That’s a personal problem that you need to work on, stat. Everyone has some kind of childhood wound, everyone has gone through some sort of shit, not an excuse to spread your poison.

Anyways, I hope this made sense and honestly idk if sharing my thoughts and experiences help anyone but I hope you all know, that’s all I want. To help however I can and what I know is all I know l until I know more. Lol get me?

Sending you and your inner child’s so much love!! Hang in there.