Journey 2 Zendipity

*Trigger warning*

A few years ago, if you would’ve asked me what I’d be doing a few years from then, I would’ve said nothing.

Honest to God, I didn’t think I’d be alive to see this day.

I didn’t wanna be alive to see today.

I didn’t know at the time but I was severely depressed.

How do you not know you’re depressed? Easy. It becomes the norm. It becomes so normal that you don’t even realize you’re depressed. It’s just another shitty fucking day.

The days blend in together and every morning instead of taking a grateful breathe in, you roll your eyes and take a deep breathe. Continue about your miserable day and believe this is normal. Somedays had glimpse of awesomeness, of course those moments were there. Not sure if they were the anchors that helped keep me alive or the fuel to my fire because of how much worse I’d feel after it passed, or when I didn’t FEEL the way I thought I should.

Everyone is laughing, why aren’t I? Everyone is smiling, why can’t I? Wow this is an incredible moment, so why do I feel nothing? Somethings wrong with me.

I had no idea I was that depressed.

I scared myself many times with how good certain dark thoughts felt but still thought it was so normal.

Until the day I was ready to make it my last day…

I drove to the beach, I called someone to talk to (not to tell them what was going on. They turned their back on me anyways so yea, that was awesome). I was just so ready to get back home and make it my last night.

I had it all planned in my head. The how, the clean up, the everything.

My saving grace , my kid.

Growing up, my biggest fear was being an orphan and making that my last night would’ve made my kid an orphan. At least at that time it would have. Plus I still have nightmares of the red bathtub and I couldn’t imagine putting that shit on my kid.

So I didn’t.

I pushed through that night and the next and the next.

Man, it was hell.

As much as I loved my kid, I fucking hated waking up day after day.

The thoughts didn’t just stop because I kept making the conscious decision to push through. It was like the thoughts were the majority of me. I was just so fucking tired of feeling how I felt.

I got to the point where I was convinced he’d be better off without me, but no legal documents were in place to ensure he would be good. So I just keep on treading.

Day after day, misery and pain but my smile never faltered. I was dropping weight, not functioning correctly but not a single soul near me even recognized I was not good.

My mask had them all fooled. I wasn’t surprised. No one saw me, I meant nothing, I was a bank account, I was bills, I was an employee, I was everything I could be to everyone but nothing all at the same time.

Approximately 2 years + after that night is when I finally started seeing the light.

I can’t remember what happened or when it happened exactly but one day I realized I finally had the energy to live. Not just to keep him from living that nightmare of a mother who off herself but for the excitement of what the future held. I felt an ounce of excitement that I hadn’t felt before. A little flicker in me that I hadn’t felt in years.

2 long fucking years.

2 excruciating long years.

—-

The problem is that depression is this silent monster that lives within me, ready to kick my ass any chance my guards are down. It wins often, but my desire (now) to live is finally greater than my desire not to.

It’s not an easy monster to beat.

It is an every day fight but the monster gets a little weaker with every fight I win.

🤍

Depression isn’t just a word, though it’s overused these days for situations that really don’t mean the severity of it. Depression can be a silent deadly monster, but it’s not one that we have to fight alone. It’s also not WHO YOU ARE.

If you fight this silent monster, please get help. Please reach out to a trusted person. Get it off your chest. See what options are available. Hell isn’t for the weak. If you have no one, reach out to me. I get it, I am here and I can’t replace therapy but I can help give you some of my strength until you find your own.

You are not alone!

If you have any doubts that there is greener grass on the other side, I can say, it may be a little dried out green but it can get many lighter shades than the current almost no-having-ass- grass.

You really can have days that feel happy again. You really can have days where it feels amazing to wake up. It’s a hell of a rollercoaster but there is possibility of brighter days on the other side.

Please, don’t suffer in pain. You’re not alone and I really want you to live. Even if you feel that no one else cares, I promise that I do and I am most likely not alone.

You’re not alone.

With all my love & strength,

-K

P.s. this is why zen_dipity means to much to me. No lone wolf left behind, we are all fighting something, why not do it together on this journey TO our zen_dipity.