Journey 2 Zendipity

I have been a single mom since my pregnancy. I have dated and had relationships that have helped me immensely since then but being single and a mom are the 2 things I am most accustomed to.

Then there was my last relationship, it changed me.

Some love and so much pain. At some point, something in me broke.

I grew so much through that relationship, I believe they did too and I am so grateful for those years we spent together, truly, but something in me just broke. At least that’s what it feels like.

I still carry so much weight from it and so much fear even.

I have now been single for 3 years, 3 months and 13 days.. and every once in a while I go through this deep want and desire for a relationship. Intimacy. Partnership. Love. Commitment. Marriage. More kids. Then just as quickly as the desire comes, the fears set in, and the wants/desires disappear.

I talk about not being able to meet people because of xyz excuses but if I’m really honest with myself, I think I walk around with the Great Wall of China barricading me. Like even when I think I am ready, the fears are still too big to really be ready.

I wonder why I’m forgotten by love but what If the Divine is simply following my lead and I’m leading through fear and not true love?

I mean truth is, even when I have that desire to move into co-existence with someone I start thinking things like I can’t imagine sharing a bed with anyone. I can’t imagine having someone in my space. I can’t imagine feeling safe again with someone. The thought of trusting someone is incredibly difficult.

I have put in so much time and work into healing and finding peace within myself and life that now I feel frozen in the journey. I haven’t sat to meditate in weeks and when I do, I find a reason to run off after 5 minutes.

Who ever said this journey was smooth sailing, lied lol this is more like a rinse and repeat cycle.

I have downloaded dating apps at least 3 times but each time, I delete before I even get to register.

Something in me broke, I healed some of it and the rest that remains has changed me for life. The question now is how will this new version of me ever move into trust and love again? How will this version of me ever really be ready?