Journey 2 Zendipity

Every time I think I am ready, my mind decides to remind me of something that makes me feel polar opposite of ready.

I WANT to date and the thought of a long term commitment does make me happy but the thought of what that means realistically is the part that keeps me from making any moves towards even meeting anyone. Shoot, I can’t even remember the last time someone flirted with me and I noticed without someone else bringing it to my attention.

I get relationships have fights and arguments, but why do I want to sign up for that? When I have finally found so much peace. Especially when I don’t know how I’ll react anymore. I get there is always a chance of being hurt and I do believe love is worth it but I just don’t know how to even start trusting someone (romantically) enough to give them even an inch of space to allow anything through, not hurt or love.

I’ve been isolated for over 3 years and I am told that I should date, I need to get back out there, etc. but seriously, how? lol why?

It just feels like there is no such thing as a happy long-term relationship. All the long-term couples I have been around are so miserable that it’s impossible to see the love there. I think the secret really is to co-exist with someone, have your own separate lives, and come together to talk about it and share it, but I have yet to even meet a couple like that and I sure as hell haven’t had that myself. Hell, I don’t even know how I would do that right now when I barely have my own life.

Shit, the more I write the more I realize I really am not ready.

When will I be? Guess that’s the million dollar question, along with.. wtf is my purpose??

I am aware that running from commitment is not healthy and it’s not walking towards healing. I get it, but that trust part.. that’s a rough one.

Y’all, I just don’t know if my heart can handle it and the trauma from one too many painful situations just piles it on. Seriously have so much respect for abuse survivors and those that have managed to heal enough to move forward. I have no idea how to settle my nervous system long enough.

Ugh… wish me luck y’all.

-K