Journey 2 Zendipity

I’ve been so angry lately.

Not the kind of angry that is visible just by looking at someone but the type of angry that lives just below surface and absolutely anything can set it off.

Work has been my biggest trigger.
I’ve been at my new place for 3 months and shit has not gone smoothly.
I wasn’t really trained, kind of just dropped into a role that’s never existed and though this wasn’t my first time in a situation like that, it was my very first time in a situation like that in an industry I know nothing about. Literally, nothing.
Then there is the issue with a coworker that has now crossed a line a couple of times, making things incredibly uncomfortable. Not just because of the disrespectful hop over the line, but also the silence that sweep my days because of their own shame.
In additional to all that discomfort of not fitting in, being lost, then there is another coworker who is incredibly frustrating.
This individual, unfortunately, has been the main person “spearheading” projects I’m working on and they lack skills that are necessary when spearheading. They are always late, ignoring messages on these projects, doubling up our work, changing things last minutes, going over our heads and ruse on top of all that.
This is literally just a few things that lovely work has brought as of lately.

In my personal life, since my fur baby passed away, things feel like they have spiraled.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am annoyed. I am so easily triggered right now and I have NO FREAKING CLUE WHY! Then It hit me, minutes before I picked up my laptop to write this.. it hit me. Control.

I have no control over anything right now.

Furbaby died, no control. Other furbaby got sick briefly, no control. Projects at work, no control. Weather, no control. People not using blinkers, no control. Falling down the stairs, no control.
The list goes on!

Yes, I can control things about it but not the it itself. You know?
I held on as best as I could when I fell but I couldn’t control the slip. It already happened and at the time I still have no idea how it happened. My fur baby dying, it’s life, he was old. I saw it coming but I didn’t see it coming to fast. Work, It’s not my department, I just have to control my expectation.
I can control parts of the things but not everything, not most things.

Now I logically see it but my emotions are haywire. I mean seriously insane.
I feel so much deep, strong emotions.

The question I have now is what the hell can I do when I’m holding on by dear life and I’ve lost control of so many parts of my life?

Feels like I’m in the deep end of the pool, swimming as hard as I can but going no where. Just drowning from the inside.