Journey 2 Zendipity

I once went a whole week without talking to anyone. Actually, I’m pretty certain it was a a day or two over a week but I know it was a week at least.

~7 whole days without hearing from absolutely anyone, seeing anyone, talking to anyone.

Not a text, not a call, no emails (aside from the fun spam), no visit, not even a hello from a stranger in the short times that I stepped out. Nothing. I was a ghost. I walked around for ~7 days on this Earth without being acknowledged by a single soul.

I remember thinking “damn, if I died now, I wonder how long before someone smelled my rotting corpse”. Yeah, it was dark but, I was in a dark place. (For the record, I had no intentions of hurting myself. I meant if I died of a natural cause or slip and fall.)

Now, you may ask, “K, why didn’t you just reach out to someone?”. Truth is I was in a dark place but didn’t know it. I didn’t really want to make effort, I don’t think at the time I even had the strength to make the effort. It was a very dark rabbit hole. Plus, who would I have reached out to?

I hadn’t really noticed how long it had been until I finally heard from someone. It was like a shock to the system. Felt like being shaken awake mid-dream.

That ~7days ended up being one of the most pivotal points in my life coexisting with depression. Probably in general.

Once I fully “woke” up from that rabbit hole, I started realizing that I had patterns from previous rabbit hole visits. I recognized some of the things that I do subconsciously when I’m falling into a dark rabbit hole. For example, I rewatch certain show series that I love and I either sleep way too much or avoid sleep altogether so that the next day doesn’t come. These two are the biggest warning signs till this day.

That week was also when I realized that I survived.

I wish I could say that was the last time I went a long period of time without human interaction but that wasn’t the last. Not sure I’ve ever gone that long without even talking to absolutely anyone but I have gone through more ghost moments.

I did make one huge change in my life after that. I don’t walk by a single person without saying a word. I wave to the cross walkers and school employees I see outside, I say something to every adult and kid I see, and I make a conscious effort to look at myself in the mirror at least once a day. Not just look in the mirror but acknowledge my own existence and others.

I may not have many people in my life and I may be a ghost often but I don’t allow myself to be a ghost to myself anymore because at the end of the day, I am the only one I for sure will have day in and day out, until my last breath.

I love you – from ME to ME!

-K