Journey 2 Zendipity

It was a Saturday, I believe. I went over to a friend’s house for dinner and we were listening to music and everyone was laughing at the table. It was me, one of my closest friends, and a few of his friends.

It was dark in the house, the only lights on were from the chandelier above our heads. Almost like a dim light barely brightening up the dining room/living room area. Very chill.

We were all chatting about, I don’t know what, but the conversation was flowing. Dinner smelling amazing. Music playing in the background.

Then there was a moment when everything went quiet.
The song was switching to the next, everyone was eating, and everything just got super quiet right before the room was filled with the low beat of the next song.
I took a deep breath and fell apart.

All it took was that moment of silence and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.
Not slowly dropping or lightly coming down my face but streaming down my face, pulling me into a full-on ugly cry moment. My face falls into my hands and the stream of tears just goes from bad to worse.

I had been heartbroken before but I’m not sure why this one felt different.
Actually, THIS moment is what made this heartbreak so different.

This one hurt different.
This one just hit different.
This one was different.

There I was, in a dimmed room with about 4 other individuals when I just broke apart in front of their eyes.
I remember how they all looked at each other and me.
Utter shock. Truly.
They had never seen my cry, not even my close friend, but I couldn’t contain it.

I kept trying to control it, I tried to take a deep breath and make it stop but it was not a moment that could be controlled. It was a moment completely submerged in my overwhelming human emotions.

I had no idea I even wanted to cry. I only remember my chest was heavy and I was sad, which is why they made me join them for dinner. I didn’t know I was hurting so bad.

When that moment happened, something changed, I just didn’t know it at that time.

There are a lot of moments in my life that I don’t remember clearly but can still feel, others I remember but can’t feel, and very few that I can remember and feel as if it were just yesterday.
This moment, this moment is one of those rare moments in my life that I not only remember like a clear picture in my head but also feel as if I just experienced it.

Something didn’t change, I did.

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I still wonder to this day, what was it about that moment that forced my body and soul to pour out like that. I mean, I’ve been in sad situations where I didn’t even cry like that. I fucking cried.
One of those paralyzing cries where sounds couldn’t even escape.
Seeing their expression of shock and sadness for me broke my heart a little more.
All I could do was keep my face in my hands and wait until it passed. Wait until the next moment when I could just breathe long enough to leave the table.

I swear to you, I will never forget this moment.
Unfortunately, as pivotal as this moment was.. there were too many that followed similarly in a short time.

Though it was such a heartbreaking moment, I hold it very close to my heart. It was special. It felt like a moment of union between my human and my soul. I can’t explain it but at that moment I was more connected with myself than I had been in a long time.

Sometimes my human and soul connect in an unexplainable way at unexplainable times.
Sometimes it occurs as I watch a movie (Avatar) or during a song that I feel in my soul or just at a random moment with no real reason.
It usually feels like taking a breath for the first time in forever, electricity through my whole body, A light bulb moment, or just a knowing but never had it happened as I sobbed. Until that day.

Have you ever seen a movie where someone has passed away and the person still living and loving them walks through a spot somewhere where they feel them? As if they are connected to their loved one or it shows both of them being in the same place and spot at the same time?
Well, that’s what it feels like when my human and soul connect in this way. It’s an unexplainable moment but always special. Regardless of what makes it possible for that moment to happen.

I look forward to more moments like this throughout my journey.
I aspire to live a life where my human and soul are so deeply connected that it’s rare to not feel that connection occurring than to feel it.

This moment kickstarted something in my life that I couldn’t have imagined. It still hurts my heart but I am still grateful for that night, in that dimly lighted dining room, with 4 other souls whose compassion healed me a tiny bit, and where my soul and human held hands for one of the first times ever in a way I would have never imagined a union to occur.

I was not on the mat meditating,
I was not doing yoga.
I was not in prayer.
I was not in sweet situation that someone is usually moved in.

I was sobbing.

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I hope everyone gets to experience this at least once in their life time.
I hope you get to have a moment where you feel that connection and fall in love with yourself.
I wish you this beautiful gift. ❤

Until the next time beautiful soul,

-K