Journey 2 Zendipity

Sitting outside writing to release this day, I start thinking about *Zen_Dipity*.

Peace.

I caught myself thinking “how do I get this back? Peace. The peace I felt when I started my *journey to zen_dipity*. When I finally starting seeing that light and feeling the warmth, the fullness.”.

Then I think “what if that was peace for that level and now there’s a different kind of peace that I need and crave.”

🤔

Have to admit.. I never thought of it that way but when I consider that deeply I have to admit that it makes sense to me. If happiness and love usually look different on the different levels and chapters.. why wouldn’t peace?

In fact, now as I write this I realize that it has looked different in ever level of this journey. When I started this journey the peace I needed without knowing was the peace of stillness, aloneness, pure solitude and conversations with inner me in the form of writing. Then I started needing solitude, nature and painting.

So why wouldn’t the peace I crave now look different?

If that’s the case, what is the peace I subconsciously crave now?

—-

When I started this journey I spent hours upon hours sitting on my balcony just writing and listening to music. I mean seriously 5-6 hours easily. I filled up notebook after notebook with letters to myself, from myself in a journaling format. I went through so many emotions.

I remember nights of anger, so much anger. Tears. Fear. Loneliness. Euphoria. Realizations. Peace. Anger again, I mean seriously, I went through it but I also felt this calmness and peace over time.

It was this feeling I had never experienced before. I felt safe within myself, with myself and life. I felt just pure peace and I miss that.

It was like falling in love in such a new way that it felt like the very first time I had ever fallen in love.

Wonder if the honeymoon stage of that dies out too! 😅Bad joke.

I want to continue falling in love with soul and my journey like that repeatedly throughout the rest of my life. Yet the same things I did then to feel that is no longer what helps.

Writing and music definitely still help, painting and nature still make my heart smile, but not all in the same way anymore. Feels like I’m missing something.

What am I missing??

Shit, being human really is a full time job 😂

———

So back to it… I don’t know what that next level is if peace for me. I don’t know what changes I need to make in my life to get the outcome I desire. I don’t know what I feel I’m missing or I do but refuse to admit it. I don’t know anything and that too is the glory of this journey I’ve been on. Realizing that I know nothing in each new chapter of my life, because each one is a NEW chapter and that means I am learning, growing… breathing.

Man this new chapter is going to dope. The frustration I feel is loud at this point, so I know this chapter will be even louder.

Fall down 7, get up 8.

:: deep breathe ::

I love y’all. I hope you’re finding your chapters new peace and I hope it feel beautiful.

-K