Journey 2 Zendipity

Oh Divine, you are remarkable.

I share with you all a very vulnerable side of me often but not always, usually, at the times that I feel called to do so. Sometimes I push the subject out of my head until I feel “ready” to share or speak on. Other times I ignore a topic because it makes me uncomfortable and if I share it, it’s because the topic will haunt me (so it feels like) until I do.

Well Today, I am going to share something so incredibly vulnerable in the moment that I am feeling the pull because well, the Divine is just absolutely incredible and deserves my trust.

I share a lot with you all but what all do you really know about me? Maybe you think it’s a lot or maybe you realize it’s been breadcrumbs and the truth is.. it feels like both to me.

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I am a 34-year-old single mom of a 14-year old. I adore my son but I am a flawed and imperfect woman and I, just like most, have my own set of shame I carry around. Things that I wish I would have done better, things I wouldn’t have done, things I still have nightmares of things I had control over and things I didn’t. I am an imperfect woman in every way. Most days I am a sinner like most and overnight I pray, though my nightly prayers are not about redemption but gratitude and guidance.

I believe in God, a higher power, the divine, the source.. what ever people choose to call it. I believe in something so much greater than any word out there. Something so much deeper than any religon could begin to describe. However, I do not believe the God/Divine that I adore is one of punishment and pettiness. I do not know what I believe in for the after death part but I do believe his/hers/its hand is in all things. I don’t believe my God has put me though all the shit it’s put me through for it’s own comedy and entertainment. I believe in a lot and I believe in none of it in the ‘norm’ because what I believe in is so much greater than most peoples norm. It’s something I live, it’s an experience, it’s a relationship with this greater power.

I also believe that I am created exactly how the Divine wanted me to be and I was placed with a soul that knows best. It just doesn’t always speak in the language I can understand in that moment, BUT when I take the time to learnt hat language, and understand that language .. it’s my true north. Every time and that’s not because of me but becuase of the Divinity that lives within me , despite me. Make Sense? I am Sorry if it doesn’t. Not because I’m sorry for what I’m saying but because I don’t know how to better express it.

With this said.. I move into the vulnerable part of this tug & pull existing in me today.

I am a 34 year old mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, coworker, woman who happens to be single. I have been single for going on 4 years. Not single and mingling but single single.

::giving you ‘the look’:: Singleeeeeee. You feel me?

The first couple of months of being single, after my world finished crumbling, I wanted to fall back into old habits of rebounding, flirting, avoiding, etc. I tried, it did not work. Months after I became single I finally break down and the emotions broke through the wall I always put up. I always put up a wall, move on and move forward and tried not to face those feelings. This time it was different. Y’all have read some of that mess.

What you don’t know is, I shut down so badly that for 2 solid years I didn’t even “talk” to anyone. I didn’t flirt, I didn’t acknowledge, I was barely on social media, I didn’t accept dates, I mean shut down. 2 years. Nothing.

I have been on a few dates but haven’t even let anyone drive me anywhere. Shut down is an understatement.

Anyways, fast forward and the last year has been tough. I mean, I am human. I have desires and hormones damn it lol it has been ROUGH. Lately, it’s been even harder.

Yes, I do feel lonely at times. I’m getting okay with admitting that but lately it’s a physical thing. I miss being held, wanted, desired, kissed, grabbed, mhm.. you know? I miss the physical connection very much and temptation has been EVERY WHERE!

Truth is, I am a woman. I could easily get the physical.

I am a humble but good-looking and smart woman. I work hard, I have my own, I am a Queen and in a relationship with the Divine, I have taken the time to heal and date me, my bond with my son is untouchable, I am caring and my heart is the size of Texas with an attitude to keep it exciting lol I am a freakin catch. I have never before even considered myself a catch but now, I KNOW I am.
I could get some physical attention and though that’s what my mind is tricking me with, what I desire isn’t just the touch but the touch of someone who loves and desires me, the kiss of someone passionate only for me, the body of a person in an energetic and spiritual bond with me. I know without a doubt that the Divine has someone out there for me. I know it, I feel it, I feel it so strongly that holding out is no sweat.

Yet lately.. uff.. it’s been tough.

I’ve let a few people tempt my mind and I’ve stepped out of my values a couple of times with my words and actions out of that human desire but every single time I even consider giving up and losing the belief.. the Divine sends me a sign.

Now, whether I play Ray Charles with that sign or not.. well that’s a whole other story LOL but the signs are there. Lately, I’ve been playing deaf, dumb and blind to them but today the Divine was not playing with me! Pulled my damn miniature pixie braid and snatched my ass back!

Started out with a video I saw on IG this morning, mind you I just started using IG again. The first video was one of those reaction videos and it’s a woman speaking her incredible belief. (in the best recap I can give) The woman is saying “Pray for your husband. Even if you don’t know who that man is. Pray for him. Pray God I want my husband to be whole, know your plan in him, I want my man to be strong, not just physically. Pray that he is healed, pray that he is good with his finance …” she continues listing things out but then at the end is when my whole being stopped in its tracks! At the end, she says ” and at the end of that prayer, I want you to say ‘ God whatever is WITHIN ME that is causing you to WITHHOLD the man you have in store for me, continue to shape and mold me into the woman, the wife and the mother you want me to be so that I can receive ALL my blessings. Not just for my husband but for ALL THE BLESSINGS YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME”. .. I am certain I did not get that to the T but you get the point. – WOW -. The moment she said “within me” and “withholding” shooooot.. my entire being knewwwww it was talking to me. The Divine rung my damn bell.

Wait.. it gets better.

There was a second and third part but the one that I’m being yanked to share was the last thing that shook my world, forced me to quit hiding behind work and come write this long ass damn blog!

About 20 minutes ago, again back on IG to kill time and I scrolled but got a message on my laptop so I let it play on the background while I worked for a second and I could hear the words ” may you provide” in the gentlest of voices. So I finish what I was doing, I look down and there is the very same guy from the first reaction video doing a second one. The video this time was part of a movie called Redeeming Love. Anyways, the guy is in a church and he is about to walk out and turns to the cross and says ‘Lord I was hoping maybe you might give me, I mean provide me, someone I can share this with. Some guidance. a sign. anything. You know Maybe she likes fishing and maybe she has long legs. Anyways, you know the kind I need. I TRUST YOU. ” Then the video fast forwards and he’s outside working and sees a woman. Instantly he felt the pull to meet her and then in another scene he learns she’s a prostitute and his response was “Lord you most certainly have a sense of humor.” – WOW AGAIN. I saw this movie and it was a hard one to watch at parts but a beautiful story about Redeeming Love.

Anyways..

Here is when I KNEW these were a message I needed to hear.. when I rewatched I realized that it was the same man from the FIRST reaction video! I was not yet following him! (Now I for damn sure am lol ) Then I go to his page and these videos were not posted back to back! In fact, it was the same guy (that I was not following) but posted over 7 days apart and it looked like as similar shirt but they both were the very first video on my list when I opened IG two separate times HOURS apart.

Now, you may not believe these are signs… that’s a you problem. I on the other hand have absolutely no doubt that this was my Divine reminding me to be patient, to not give up hope.

Even deeper, this was a conversation that God was having with me. It was answering questions I haven’t been courageous enough to ask.

Am I the kind of woman that my divine counterpart desires?
Am I worth a person who prays for someone just like me?
Is there anyone out there that will look at me one day and feel that pull towards me?

Am I enough?

Yes, Yes, Yes & YES!

That conversation was my Divine letting me know that my person is out there praying for me the same way I pray for them. That I am on someones vision board even on days I don’t believe it. Even on days when I step out of line and carry shame.. my Divine counterpart will see me through all of it…

:: Deep Inhale – Deep Exhale::

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Crazy.. the moment I finished that last paragraph, the pull lifted.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. What a beautiful Valentines Day message.

I have no more words. I had all these plans of where I wanted this blog to go but it’s just not meant to shit. What’s been said is what was needed to be shared. So if any of you out where have been praying and asking.. maybe this is your Valentines Day message too. Keep the hope. Forgive yourself and know that you are still enough. Not just for a Divine Counterpart but to receive all the blessings that you need.

My heart is so full. I have these videos playing back to back now as I write. Just listening. Not because I am so desperate, not become I’m ready to jump from loneliness but because it fills my soul to remember that the Divine loves me so damn much that my hearts desire, regardless of how petty, small or big they are, are important to him/her/them.

I am sending you all so much love today. Please remember that today is just another day with a title. It’s the day of Love. Love of all sorts. If you are feeling unloved today, hug yourself and say I love you.
Then Hug yourself again and hear me when I say I love you. ❤

Happy Valentines Day Beautiful Soul, I am so very glad you decided to push through another day.

With Love,

-K

Divine,

Please continue to mold me into the woman that is living in your truth. The woman you created me to be. Continue to guide me towards the purpose you have for me. I am your vessel, always. I am honored to share the words you place in my heart and soul. Thank you for this special one.

Please continue to guide and mold my son. To look out for him. Thank you for the mom-jackpot. You outdid yourself with that heart and soul. I see you.

As for my divine counterpart, wrap your arms around their heart, mind, and soul. You know the kind I need. I trust you.

Thank you, Thank you Thank you.