Oh man! The last week has been FULL of downloads.
I have so many damn posts I started but saved in drafts because I’ve jumped from topic to topic before finishing any one of them!
Just so many realizations and “oh crap” moments!!! Thank you Divine but holy cow, my soul, and human have been emotionally busy af lately.
So I’m choosing to start this topic and finish this post because it’s one that’s important, at least to me.
This download started at the grocery today. I was looking for a shrimp sauce and had a zone-out moment.
I took a mini-memory trip to a brief time many many years ago with a guy I briefly dated.
This guy was amazing, I am grateful I got to experience his gentlemanly energy and I hope that I left him with a positive memory too.
He was the kind of guy who was courageous enough to come up to me, a stranger in a supermarket, to simply compliment me while not breaking eye contact.
The same man who ended the conversation by politely asking me on a date, not a hang out. By that night, he has reached out with all the information because he had all the date details. He didn’t do that whole “so what do you want to do” thing. NO! He wanted to TAKE ME OUT ON A DATE, therefore he planned the date. For us. Chose a restaurant I would love and had a server waiting for me holding roses for me when I arrived.
He was the kind of man that would pay attention to the little details and went as far as purchasing ingredients from another country and getting an authentic recipe from his country to a sauce I was craving so bad, just because he was thinking of me. – The sauce.. get why I went down this rabbit hole? LOL
Yes, he was amazing but I was certain that he was not my blessing to keep, and I still fully believe that.
We never had a relationship, we just briefly dated but his actions backed up every single word he said and he always made time.
Here is the crazy part, I got to meet a person like that and still couldn’t give more than bare minimum. I later on, many years later, gave my all to someone who didn’t even do a quarter of that. They did support and full my cup, at times, in other ways but for the most part.. it was the opposite kind of experience which leads me to the topic…
That’s on me!
Ending up in shitty relationships after that wasn’t all “Karma”.
I believe 100% that what goes around comes around, and have had Karma kick my ass MULTIPLE times.
I ended up in the shit I’ve ended up in because I made the choices. Point blank.
My past didn’t make me do anything, karma doesn’t force me into it, and I wasn’t trapped by the Devil or led by the Divine into any one bad relationship.
In fact, in every crappy relationship, I’ve had or relationship that turned crappy,. I saw the red flags waving high. I knew it was time to walk, I knew something didn’t feel right, If I was honest with myself… I KNEW but I made those choices.
I made the choice to enter the relationship, I made the choice to stay, I made the choice to ignore the crappy, I made the choice to forgive, I made the choice not to forgive, I made the choice to leave. I made every single choice and I either learned from them or I didn’t.
What I did after that..
That’s on me!
At the time I met this individual, there was no way I could have given more than my bare minimum because there was no way that I could have appreciated him or even myself. Hell, my bare minimum was my very best at that time. Though I knew that it was bare minimum. I knew there was more somewhere inside me and I knew that it was locked in somewhere. That I didn’t know at the time was that in that moment there was no way I could have give more.
Here is what else I didn’t know, I didn’t know that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I wasn’t wrong. I just needed to heal.
I needed to learn. I needed to grow. I needed to mature. I needed to find me, to love me. I needed a lot but only I could have provided all I needed way before I could appreciate a person like that.
Today I stood in that grocery aisle, thinking of this man and a long list of other moments that I took for granted, that I took as fuel of reasons to dislike myself even more.. Not out of being a bad person but simply not understanding what really was going on inside of me.
Here is the point:
It was absolutely NOTHING they did or didn’t do, it just was the version of me that they got was not ready for what they would offer. Not just him but many incredible individuals in my life.
That’s on me!
I wanted to share this with you all because you might be that incredible man or woman that does all the right things but still gets overseen, and I just wanted to let you know.. it’s not about you.
It’s not that you are not good enough, or that you are “too” much. It’s not that you are not noticed, or appreciated. If you are a person who gives your all.. I promise you, you cross someone’s mind. Your actions have impacted others and whether you know it or not, you cross someone’s mind. (Maybe in the middle of a grocery store, over a sauce hah)
Here is what it is…
We accept the love we think we deserve, we accept the love we are “used to”, and we can only give the amount we have to give. That’s why it’s so crucial to heal and fill our own cup of love, so that we can proud onto others. Accept others.
Then there is the tough truth that maybe, you are simply not their blessing.
Just know that you may not be their blessing to keep but it sure as hell doesn’t mean that you aren’t someone else’s blessing.
That person may not see you or all you are or they may see you in your full glory and know they aren’t enough or ready. All of that’s okay. I know it sucks, I know it hurts, and I know It makes you question so much but it’s not about you. Please be gentle with yourself.
Here is where I am at and know in this moment, after this incredible download >>
The more I know myself, the better I become.
The more aware I am of the choices I have made in the past and continue making, the better prepared I am to make better choices.
The more I acknowledge these moments I’ve had that I’ve let slip, taken for granted, wasn’t ready for, or mistreated because of my lack of. The more I can work on my fullness so that when MY blessing comes, I choose to keep it and accept it because accepting the right kind of love and reciprocating.. well, that on me too. 🙂
Sending you all so much full love tonight, hope you have an extraordinary week and send me prayers to focus. I have so much I want to talk to y’all about!
With Love,
-K
For the record, I shared this story as the person who didn’t give a great person an honest long term chance but don’t get it twisted.. I have been in those shoes more times than reversed.
OFTEN it’s me who gives too much and it what people need but not want. Too many times it’s been me who’s overseen and friend-zoned.
Journey 2 Zendipity 
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