Trigger warning ⚠️
I wrote this… yesterday & to be even more authentic and transparent, It is taking every ounce of vulnerability and strength that I have to follow through with posting this.
Please know, you are not alone. We are in this together.
Sitting on my bathroom floor with a clogged nose and tears still falling, just wondering if this is what my life is just going to be like.
Is this just it?
Am I always going to have to be the strong one for everyone?
Am I always going to have to keep to myself the big emotions to avoid making people I love uncomfortable or sad?
Am I always going to be alone for these moment?
Am I always going to be alone, period?
Thankfully today the air vent in my bathroom was fixed so I’ve been able to really cry. Divine had my back with that one. I mean, I ugly cried. I haven’t done that in years. I say it past tense but the tears have yet to stop.
Today was so heavy.
Today is so heavy.
I don’t want to leave this bathroom and have to be strong.
I don’t want to leave this bathroom and go cook like nothing is wrong.
I don’t want to freak my kid out because my face and eyes are so swollen from how hard I’ve been crying but I don’t have strength to lie beyond “i am just having a bad day”.
Not today.
My heart hurts.
My soul is crying.
My body is barely keeping up.
I can barely breathe. Feels more like I’m gasping for air than I am breathing.
I can barely see from how full of tears my eyes still are and my nose is absolutely done for the day. My nose just threw the white flag (or tissue in this case) and quit on me at this point.
I can’t control it and every time I think I can, it revs up.
This is too much today.
This can’t be my life.
I won’t make it, but I want to. I want to make it so damn bad but I won’t if this is all there is.
This can’t be all there is to my life.
I’ve worked so damn hard, what’s on the other side?
Today I don’t want to be the strong one, but if not me then who?
Today I just want to be held and told everything is going to be okay.
Today I just want to be loved and seen without having to work for it.
Today I don’t want to be the strong friend.
Today I don’t want to be the strong mom.
Today i don’t want to have to validate my existence to myself.
Today I don’t want to fight the invisible monster.
Today I just want to lay down and not feel guilty for being in bed or worried about worrying my son.
Today I want to throw in the towel.
Today, my goodness I am so fucking tired.
At this rate I’ll also be needing a brown paper bag.
But wait just a minute, human if mine, it’ll happen real soon.
Ahh there it is.. it took a while but the numb kicked in.
Like clockwork.
It’s like my body releases natural whatever it is to numb out the pain.
The numb is not a good place though.
It feels better, I can breathe again, I’m finally off the floor, but the numb is where beauty goes to die.
Nothing can grow in the numb.
It’s just.. nothingness.
For now though, the numb is how I’ll make it through the rest of the night.
I appreciate the numb right now. So damn much.
I can almost feel it all right below the surface though but my brain can function again. Some what.
Not quite as hazy but not yet clear roads.
No laughter, that’s for sure.
No strength yet but I can put on that show. That’s a show I’ve been putting on since before I could vote.
The numbness helps to get through these moments but I can’t let it stay. Cause nothing good can grow in the grey.
Dinner is started and I’ve managed to stay off the floor.
Another night almost done and unfortunately, another morning to go.
This doesn’t just disappear, it take a while to shake but when the numbness kicks in, it’s easier to slay.
Today I feel tired and I don’t know how to cope. Other than putting on a smile and ignoring the hurt.
Tomorrow will be better, because today was pretty rough. I’m not challenging the universe but I believe in positive thoughts.
This can’t be my life, I don’t know what to do. I know the divine has my back but I could use some help too. A little support and a lot of love, maybe even someone to hold me up when I don’t feel strong.
I refuse to be a weak mom, so again I push on but lord don’t give me a choice because I can’t promise I won’t pick wrong.
Today I am tired. I am done.
Tomorrow will be better, I must tread on.
-K
Rescue – Lauren Daigle
1800-273-8255 – Logic
These songs.. ❤
2023/04/11
Journey 2 Zendipity 
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