I was talking to an incredible friend of mine today about my dating life. I expressed to him partially about the fear I hold in dating and letting someone in.
I know most people have this fear, or a version of this fear but I’ve gotten to the point where I run at the first sign of any real feelings towards someone.
It’s a paralyzing fear at times.
His response was one of the greatest things I’ve ever read but the part that stuck out the most was regarding letting love have the space it needs to leave if it wants so that when love decides to stay it’s a beautiful choice.
What an incredible reminder.
People can come and go, love feels like it goes with them too but giving someone the space to make that choice can be an incredible thing when they choose to stay. It’s a choice to live. A choice to remain. A constant choice.
So beautiful.
To this dear friend, thank you. Your words were exactly the reminder that I needed.
So here I am tonight, sweaty palms just at the thought that I gave someone a chance for first date, but pure fear of being asked for a second by them. Not because of them but me.
I am not sure how to heal the parts of me that hold pain and shame, I am not sure how to fully let go of this fear that lingers over me. Even worse, no matter how much healing I do.. that is still a whisper of that voice that tells me I am not good enough, I will never be loved like I love, and I am the root of all problems. I know where the voice comes from but I am just not sure how to permanently silence something that was so deeply rooted.
I will keep trying though. I will find the courage to say ‘yes’ to second dates, the courage to believe in another human again, the compassion for myself to do better at forgiving and the strength to not go looking for flaws to have an excuse to run.
Oh man.. wish me luck y’all!
-K
P.s. One of my favorite books talks about this kind of free love. If you want to check it out it’s called:
The Koan of Relationships: Love, Freedom & Aloneness – Osho
If you get a copy, let me know what you think!
Original Post written: Dec 2022. Edit & published April 2023
Journey 2 Zendipity 
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