Journey 2 Zendipity

Exactly 1 year ago today I left a company I had spent 12 years at. I primarily remember because I intentionally chose “May the 4th be with you” day LOL. :: and the crowd yelled dooorrrkkkk ::
This morning I received a message from an old co-worker who I didn’t really much talk to then and definitely not since I left. She was very sweet to remember the date and then asked me if I was still happy with my decision to leave for the new company.

It got me so deep in thought that I started rubbing the bathroom, IYKYK haha.
Deep thoughts or deep emotions go hand in hadn’t with deep cleaning for me, sometimes.

My response:

“That’s an incredible question. Thanks for asking it, it was mentally stimulating to really deep dive into the question and find my real answer.

Leaving [Company] was like leaving a relationship while still being in love with the person.
Today marks a year and I can honestly say that I am extremely happy that I made the courageous choice to value myself.
Once I valued my skills, I valued myself financially too. The company I moved to was the perfect stepping stone. The grass isn’t greener on the other side BUT it did give me an opportunity to grow more as a person. So overall, yes.”

While I was cleaning and thinking about this question, I really thought about the last year.

I really am so very different than I was a year ago today.
A year ago today I was hysterical crying in my car because I had left a company that to me felt like the closest thing to stability and family I had ever had, a company I loved so much, and was so heartbroken that my departure was ignored by people that I considered close.
I was crying so hard I had to park the car and my son just staring at me in shock because he rarely sees me crying.
I was hysterical in tears, absolutely heartbroken.

I have learned so much in a year.

I started to truly value myself, as I mentioned in the message.
See when I was leaving the old company I was freaked out because I had no idea what I was actually good at. I did so much and it felt so mediocre that I didn’t really understand what other people in my role were trying to tell me. I was in a company that for so long had my skills and they were used to it. It was normal for them to see me overcome challenges, take on more roles, be flexible, surpass project expectations.
Which is fine. they aren’t my partner. Problem was, I because used to it too. I didn’t see myself as valuable, just as another employee I became complacent with being paid less than and working more. I became the woman that valued myself by others value of me. MY bad, not theirs.

Greatest lesson learned:
MY value is not THEIR responsibility, it’s MY responsibility.
MY self-esteem is not determined by others, it’s solely MY responsibility.
MY skills, are MY skills. No one gave them to me, I busted my ass in all things I’ve worked on/through.

Valuing myself are in different ways.
In the way I talked, the way I set boundaries on how others talked to me.
In the way I presented myself, In the way I waited on no one to introduce me.
In the way I set boundaries in all aspects of my life and the sections of my life that verbal boundaries were not enough, I backed off. I will engage in a conversation when I am mentally in a good place to keep the conversation going without it weighting on me negatively long-term.

These things meant I really had to be conscious during conversations and energetic exchanges. I had to really start focusing on how I felt before, during and after the conversation with that person.
If I was anxious, nervous, triggered… then it was asking myself the why?

— With some people it was because It was a mirror of my own shit that I didn’t want to acknowledge- I worked and continue to work on this. I take these individuals as my lessons. I pray hard when I’m going to interact with them.

— With some people, it was because they were one-sided friendships that were mirrors of traumatic relationships I had in the past. The friendships were it was always venting, no solutions, never really asking how I was doing, no fucks about how I was doing before the venting. No follow up check in’s on big things happening.

— With some people it was because they had so many emotions and love that I didn’t know how to handle it. So I would hermit almost immediately. Their emotions and love felt suffocating and it was not a negative on their end, it was shit that I had to deal with. My inability (at the time) to accept being cared for. It was so out of my comfort zone. These people, very rare few, I kept around but learned to better communicate when I was unable to be emotionally present in the way they needed, deserved or desired.

I really had to learn to value myself.
As an individual.
As a Soul.
As a Human.
As a Woman.
As a Mother.
As a Friend.
As a Sister.
As a Daughter.
As an Employee.
As an Acquaintance.

I will forever be working on valuing myself because I have also learned that feeling valuable when you were solely brought up to be someone’s caregiver, it’s a hard fucking thing to do.
Fighting to value myself without having to DO something for someone to earn that value from them to them add it.

One year changed me.
Small changes but now that I am in between jobs, I am really starting to see just how much it’s changed the way I treat myself and others What I expect, what I bring to the table, how to represent myself, the boundaries, and my non-negotiables. In the interviewing process even the questions I’m asking interviewers are different.

So, am I happy that I left a company I was at for 12 years for a new company? The answer is a thousand times yes. Though I loved the Company, I miss everyone and the new one was not a great fit, It was like placing me into a bigger tank with endless room to grow, and I did.

The last year really forced me to grow a lot and as universal payment, I am attracting better relationships, better opportunities and better outcomes. Maybe it’s not that I’m attracting but maybe it’s that I’m no longer accepting less? IDK but either way..

Happy Anniversary to me!

If you are considering taking a leap, my suggestion is, trust your true north. Your heart, your intuition, your guides. Pray on it. Check in with yourself to see how you feel. Ask yourself the real questions on what your expectations are. What needs to happen for you to truly be fulfilled. Does the new path align you towards your bullseye?

Sending you all so much love.
Thank you so much for your patience with me, I haven’t reread this post but my brain has checked in and out many times throughout the day so I can only imagine how all over the place this one is. I’m sorry.
I hope it made sense and you are able to take something, anything away.

With all my love and gratitude,
-K