Journey 2 Zendipity

I woke up areound 1:30am sick af yesterday. My fever was through the rough, my shirt was soaked from breaking this fever that kept coming back with a vengeance, my throat was on fire, a migraine that made me want to cry but the pain from all around kept me from crying because if knew it would make it worse.

Man I woke up feeling shitty. The fever broke and returned easily 4-5 times yesterday. With all that, I had to interview!

Get some make up on, do my hair , get the area prepped and do an interview that required me to pull together whatever energy I could possibly find.

The interview was incredible, the guy asked such mentally stimulating questions. This must be a theme right now in my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about some of these, I naturally got excited to ask the questions. The interview was wonderful.

Anyways, fast forward and it’ll be a bit longer. So I have to do smaller jobs in the meantime to make ends meet. It’s okay. I’m not scared of hard work, I don’t mind it at all.

However, I recognized this morning that even in necessity I was being picky. – Granted, there is nothing wrong with picky and knowing my value, plus I do have money to hang us in there for a bit so it’s not do or die yet, but it gave me the glimpse of my ego.

Now look, I believed the ego has a job and cannot be completely eliminated. It’s healthy to an extent, in doses but today wasn’t healthy or in doses. I don’t know if it was because I was feeling sick still or if because I have been doing other type of work for so long but I felt upset with myself. I felt embarrassed. I felt annoyed.

It wasn’t the only time either. Earlier in the week my best friend sent me money and I fought her on it. She then said something that reminded me of lessons I had shared with others before: “never knock someone for trying to help you. Never know when that person has been praying for the chance to help another or pay it back”. Then online I saw a girl say “use your resources”.

It’s crazy, this chapter in my life is fucking bonkers yo. I swear. The shit that’s been popping up are all things that I’ve worked on before but now, it’s a whole new level of it.

The ego must die.

My ego must die.

I am sitting here continuously praying for xyz and all things in our lives usually come in a form of a mirror (because we are energentix magnets) but when I attract someone who wants to help me. I shoo it away!!

I just posted recently about being tired of being the strong friend and I have friends who are trying to be my strong friends and I’m here like “naaaa, it’s all good”. As if I don’t really need it.

I didn’t think I did it out of pride or ego but more so, It makes me uncomfortable to take help from others. I am use to having to have my own back but if what I’m desiring is something different.. then I need to kill the parts of me that pushes that love and help away. It almost felt like I was shooing away Gods blessings.. the audacity dude. Wtf.

If I’m looking at myself as a third party, I get it but also it’s time to shift the thinking. If you want a partner who is xyz then you have to accept xyz when it arrives. Can’t expect them to drown you or chase you with it. That’s not healthy. If you want a strong friend, then don’t knock the friends for trying to be the strong friends. If you want patient company, then BE patient company.

The ego must die.

MY ego must die (not all of it) for the things I so deeply desire to blossom in my life. I can’t keep poisoning the flowers And SEEDS in my garden then getting mad or sad because they haven’t blossomed.

Fuckin’ a.. this chapter is whooping my ass spiritually and mentally y’all.

Take sometime today to think about what is something you’ve been praying for or trying to manifest into your garden but possibly been killing by possibly even good qualities you have that have no boundaries?

Sending you all so much love!

With love

Ms.Too-damn-independent- stubborn-“I got my back”- “na I’m good” -K