Journey 2 Zendipity

I try to live a life of raw authenticity. For many reasons, one of them being that I believe too often we get lost in the idea that social media shit is real life. The ONLY true North real life, if you know what I mean.
We look at these perfect pictures of floating castles and shit on the other side of the world, thousand-dollar-a-night hotel rooms in the rainforest with perfect weather, Cinderella’s ball looking twinkly weddings, and all these “perfect” moments. Things we consciously or subconsciously compare value to. Things we use as goals and bucket list items. I say we because I do it and I KNOW I’m not alone.
Hell, at times I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I catch myself swooning over pictures. Thinking to myself how badly I want to be in that place because I consider THAT to be “living”. Am I right? Ever had that moment?
I love those newer “IG vs. Reality” of these kinds of places. It really puts things into perspective and kind of gives you a reality check. Again, I am saying you and we but this is my experience, and experience I know has been shared with others.

It doesn’t mean these places aren’t breathtaking, it doesn’t mean the moment was fake, and it doesn’t mean that the person posting is doing it for that intention.. what I mean is the expectations we hold to it, the value we are putting on that. The view may be breathtaking and memorable but chances are that it’s not a photoshopped perfection when you get there, the weather can’t be controlled and it may last just a quick second before you are ready to get moving but spends thousands to get there. I mean that someone else’s dream to travel may have you thinking it’s what you desire most but when you get there can’t understand why you don’t feel that same swoon as when you saw the picture and wished for it. Granted, the opposite is true too. you could go to a place you see through a picture and realize that it’s even better than you felt through that photo.

The expectations and values we put on things is A LOT. The expectations I put on things and people is A LOT. How much I put VALUE on those EXPECTATIONS is a lot.

Example: Sometimes I get really overwhelmed with life and really really start contemplating moving to a new place and starting over. I moved so much growing up that it’s become my security blanket. I LOVE everything about being in a new place. I LOVE everything about moving, minus the financial aspect and physical moving of my furniture LOL. To me, moving is like starting a new chapter and wiping the slate clean. It really can be HOWEVER, unless I am consciously aware of what I am pretty much running away from, unless I am consciously aware of why I ended up feeling that way, unless I am consciously aware of what I actually want to change besides the location.. more times than not.. it will be repeated in a new location. I won’t change anything about me, or the type of people I attract, the lack of boundaries, the type of people I date, the way I go about living my life.. nothing changes besides the landscape. Again there are always exceptions to the rule.
So in this scenario, I move EXPECTING to have a fresh start. To feel better, to feel less overwhelmed, to feel happy, to feel ::insert here:: and I feel that if I do this, I will be a better person as well because I will be ::insert that same feeling here::.

So I am saying I will be of more value because my feelings will be positive because of this choice.
1 – I am valuing myself based off something I am doing or not doing. Something I am feeling or not feeling.
2 – I am valuing myself on what I THINK I’ll be feeling when I reach that goal, or make that move. <- Value on expectation
3- I am assuming how I will actually feel when I reach that goal, or make that move. <- Expectation
4 – What if I can’t make that move? Then I’m pissed and feeling even more negative emotions because I didn’t do the XYZ that I felt allowed me to feel the ABC that I NEEDED and desired to do EFG.

Ok, now I feel like I’m talking in circles. You get me? You get what I’m trying to explain?

Back to it, authenticity.
I try to live an authentic life but what I’ve been relearning lately is that authenticity looks different in different chapters too. It looks different in different aspects of my life. It requires me to check in with myself in different ways, often. I logically knew this, like everything in life, but from logically knowing to actively doing.. there is a difference there.
In the last 5 weeks, I’ve been on this journey, I have talked to very few people, and when I have.. I haven’t really shared much about what I”m going through, but when someone asks how “how are you”, I do take a pause to really check in and find the true answer. I share that answer as clearly as I can in the way that person could receive it. If it’s someone that I don’t think can receive it, then I don’t share it.
I also find myself being more conscious of my choices, like that moving scenario (for example). Really digging in to find the source of the WHY I want to make a move, WHY I feel that move would make my life better. HOW I believe it would make my life better. Then I recognize that it’s just thoughts, emotions, and assumptions. I haven’t experienced the ‘move’ yet so how can I TRULY know that it’s better? Those questions, that acknowledgment, it truly helps me ground myself and make logical decisions with fewer expectations or values on exceptions.
Lastly, I look at everyone ( myself included) and ask ” If I wasn’t already their friend or if we weren’t already in each other’s lives, as they are now & as I am now, would they be someone I’d want in my life and vice versa?” ohhhh let me tell you… what a hell of a question. That question then allows me to move accordingly with the people in my life. I choose what I share

These questions have helped me not value the expectations of people, decisions, ideas, etc. It’s really grounded me. I can still daydream and run through a whole game plan in my mind but I don’t allow that to cloud my judgment and believe that I’ll win the game and then life will be perfect. Work needs to be done, changes and prep need to be done, things don’t always go according to plan and all of that is where the value lies. That’s the beauty.
We all hear it in some form of a way, the value is in the journey not the destination. It’s the truth. The authenticity lies in the rawness of the journey not the destination.
If I ever tell you that I have arrived .. I am lying, I am no longer being authentic and I am absolutely miserable.

This journey has taught me authenticity in a different way, it’s taught me the ways I’ve used expectations as destinations and how I value things.
This journey has taught me to value things for what they are, not what they can be. In the moment. Today, right now.
This journey has taught me how my subconscious gets fed through shit I watch, read and see. Granted, I am a sucker for some movies and shows that I won’t stop BUT I am aware to check in with myself after and make sure I keep my expectations on check because false vs reality.
This journey has taught me that I belong at tables that I didn’t even know existed and DON’T belong at tables that I have been sitting at for years because of the history.

All of this has allowed me to reach a new level of authenticity. One that doesn’t require me to share everything deeply but sharing anything, as needed, with vulnerability.

What a journey this has been. Truly.
I’m going to wrap it up because my head is cloudy and feeling like I’m not clearly expressing my thoughts anymore lol but I am so happy I made time today to share with you all.

Today, take a moment to just be. Be in the moment. Appreciate how far you’ve come. Appreciate your mind.

Thanks for coming along this ride with me. I look forward to more clarity in the coming weeks.
Sending y’all so much love ❤
-K

P.s. Please note; I am still a dreamer!!! That will not change, I just don’t set my goals based on what I THINK it’ll feel like when I obtain those dreams.