Journey 2 Zendipity

My day started out really good, but by the time I made it home tonight, I was ready to cry.
All it took was one freaking thing and it all came crashing down. ONE freaking thing.
I guess that’s the problem of holding it all in for too long lol.

I am not someone that cries often, but when I do it’s one of three:
1- I’m touched and I get a tear. For example, worship, a song, a movie, a heartfelt gesture, Etc.
2- Most common, when I laugh. Almost every time I really laugh, tears.
3 – The big one. The real deep ugly cry. I release with my whole being. It’s that full-blown heart pouring out type of cry. This one is rare. Very rare, very hurtful, very a lot of feelings.

Tonight I needed the big cry, from the soul but I only let one tear roll down my cheek before I wiped it away, woman-ed up, and kept it moving.

Growing up, I didn’t get to cry. Not often, not in front of anyone. I think the last time I cried (recently) was in front of my brother out of rage. Before that was with another brother during an incredibly hard moment in my life that had him crying too. Then as a kid.. I can’t remember one.
I never got to cry Infront of my mom. Still don’t remember a time I have.
I couldn’t. If I did, who would wipe away her tears?

I guess that’s the trouble of being a parent of your parent or an adult while being a child. You ignore the needs of the child to be the adult that the adult needs.
You may get it, you may not, IDC.
Point is, crying was not an option for me.

For years I just masked my pain with anger but ever since I’ve been healing, growing, learning, and TRULY understanding the masks I’ve used to hide my pain, I can’t mask it as easily. I recognize the pain easier now but still haven’t found the release.

How do you release when crying isn’t an option anymore?
How do you release so many emotions when you are trying to avoid putting a mask of anything on it?
How does one just feel, move through it and release?

I haven’t figured that one out yet but I wish I did cause today was rough.
Today was heavy.
I don’t even know the next time I’ll get a hug from someone I love or who loves me.
Tonight is rough but tomorrow I’ll be okay.

Anyone out there feeling this way, just know you’re not alone.
I’m sending y’all love. ❤
-K