Journey 2 Zendipity

Dear Past,

Somedays, I think of you and get lost in the memories of you.
Other days, you don’t even cross my mind.
Yet, no matter which of the days it is, we are always connected, we are always one.

You are the most controlling part of my subconscious, holding the ugliest and most painful memories, with gaps of nothingness in between the blocks you created. You are most of my tortured spirit and minor glimpses of the little light that my childhood held. You are survival wrapped in trauma with small shreds of gold. You are home.

No matter how much I run, you are always just right there, in every decision and every move I make. Right there, in every fear that I hold, and every insecurity that I face.
You are just there in every nightmare, in every heartbreak, in all my overthinking, and in every word I say. You are quite literally the core of every move that I make.
I’m either making a choice to avoid repeating you or making a choice to feel you again because you are the closest thing to home that I know.
You raised me from scratch and while everything else was abandoning me, you held me tighter, and never left me. The only thing that understood me and what had shaped me.

I keep telling myself that one day, I am going to marry my Future while I live divinely in the Present, and you will be just fond memories of strength, distance memories of pain or nothing more than the stepping stones that got me to that place. but I am living divinely in the Present, you just happened to be intertwined with it.
One day, you will be just entries in journals that are tucked away in the back of my closet, never forgotten but no longer pulling me in any direction but keeping me from repeated the same messes.
One day, I will no longer be surviving with you but gracefully loving you from afar, whispering thank you’s for the person I’ve become with no hate in my heart because how can I hate the constant that raised me?

I am not saying that you are amazing because you are pain still in the making but I finally realized why I can’t hate you. Why I can’t just leave you behind and forget you. You are a part of my resilience, my strength, my peace, my fluidity, and my divinity. You are me, I am you.
You have been the only constant in my life & all I ever knew as love. Hating you is exhausting and pointless because it means hating me too.

I finally realize that the best parts of me are thanks to you and God. When I am exhausted from being strong, my strength does not accept defeat and my resilience remains unwavering but most importantly, the amount of love I have to give never hits empty. I cannot hate you. I thank you for making the Future a possibility.

Somedays, I think of you and get lost in the memories of you.
Other days, you don’t even cross my mind.
Yet, no matter which of the days it is, we are always connected, we are always one.

With Gratitude,
-K