Journey 2 Zendipity

Dear Diary,

I don’t know exactly when I realized it, I think it was when he officially passed me in height, but it’s so real to me now. My son is a hop skip away from being a grown ass man.

And I have no idea what to do with my life. I barely know who I am outside of being a mom or caregiver.

My entire world revolved around him. Getting home on time to pick him up, feed him, tuck him in, spend time with him. To get up early enough to wake him up , drive him to school. Weekends of cleaning and errands to make sure everything was ready for the week. Now, now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out what is next.

I have always been a caregiver. I still have such a hard time just being.. accepting my value as is not based off my productivity or caregiving.

Lately though, I’m realizing how quickly things are changing. Single and not mingling, parent of a teenager and laying off so many work hours.. I have to find a life of my own and I honest to God have no idea where to start.

Up to now, the most solo time to do things as an adult have been every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer for the last 5 years. I had found things to do like park, volunteering and other little things but I am always excited when he’s back home and we are on a routine together but now it’s getting so real that he is creating his own little world.

He will always be my baby, that is forever true, but what am I going to do? How do I figure out who I am? What I want? What my purpose is, what to do with my life after he’s an adult?Outside of being a mom. I don’t have the funds to drop everything and travel the world, like I truly want, while leaving all my responsibilities behind. (one can dream though lol am I right? Who’s coming with me on this early retirement day dream?)

I’ve always been someone who works crazy hours and have no issue with hard work and/or taking care of someone, but now my whole world feels like it’s changing. My whole damn world. My likes, my wants, my needs, my spiritual desires, my energy, my values, my boundaries… everything.

Everything has changed in my life and I have absolutely no clue what is next. I know God’s got my back, but I’m panicking first.

If I choose raw vulnerability today, my biggest fear is turning into my own parent and I feel like if I don’t figure out my life now.. I’ll end up on the same path. I don’t know if I’ll make it out alive if I end up on the same path. Terrifies me, no matter how many times I point out to myself that we are very different people on very different paths. ::panic sets in:: What if I end up single for the rest of my life just sitting in front of the tv every free moment I have?? What if he runs off gets married and leaves me completely behind?? What if I never figure this next chapter out?? Oh goodness.. I need to stop. Panic really setting in lol.

Vulnerability sucks y’all lol I’ll be back later, I’m going to go eat my feelings away. 😂

If you’re an empty nester, especially a single parent, I’d love to hear from you & sending you so SO much love!! ❤️

-K