Journey 2 Zendipity

I cannot for the life of me remember who introduced that phrase to me years ago but oh my, is it true. At least for me.

I find myself going periods of time feeling overly sad, only to realize that on top of the invisible monster, I am also feeling very bored. Not enough active things to keep me preoccupied.

I walk a lot in the mornings. It’s my prayer and meditation sometimes, other times it’s motivational videos, blasting booty music, or worship. Whatever my spirit is needing that day (and yes my spirit does tend to need some booty music, sometimes some thug shit too lol). From there I some days make my way to the park gym or just the park bench overseeing the water. Active, for the most part.

Then I start a very long day of work, sitting in front of screens, in my living room and watching the clouds through my balcony door. As you can guess, my brain spirals after a few hours of that ish.

Since the flooding, I hadn’t been able to get to the park. That week without my walks and park gym, the spiral started. Those couple hours really make a world of a difference. Anyways, I decided to actually start a gym. Again.

I have had so many gym memberships in my life, it’s ridiculous. I have started off strong and then let the spiral guide my motivation. Other times I have started off extra slow, embarrassed and overwhelmed with what’s in my head. The gym and I, well we have a complicated relationship. As with most things in my life.

However, this times it’s been a little different. I found a couple of machines I really enjoy and I’ve started to learn what makes me uncomfortable. When it’s time to shut my brain down for a bit and just focus on my breathing or steps. I’m handling it as if I was guiding someone through a meditation.

The last few days have not been good or bad, just been. It’s really helped to remind myself of that idle mind and find things to fill it with. More importantly, to practice focusing on one thought at a time because without that present attention to what I’m focusing on, the spiral is in head away.

An idle mind is a devils playground…

I think I always understood it when thinking about the kids in my life but now I get it when thinking about myself. It helps.

This is how I find my triggers before I go down the rabbit hole. Observing myself as if I’m another person. The problem is that I can only observe myself clearly while I’m out of the dark hole. One I start that downward spiral, it’s like I’m starting over. Expect it’s never really starting over.

The more triggers I find in myself, the more I’ve been able to avoid the dark. The more I’m able to understand why certain emotions hit harder.

Anyways, I’m excited to get busy. To get focused. To work on my discipline. While I do this, I’m back off social media and I’ll try to blog often but I can’t promise it’ll be everyday.

I love y’all, I truly do.

I hope you have an amazing day and if you’re having a rough headspace day, try a walk! If you can’t right now, try later or tomorrow but definitely push through it and get walking. Even if it’s just for 15 minutes. It still helps.

With love,

-K