Journey 2 Zendipity

There’s a topic that’s been on my mind lately again that I really need to talk about. I’ve mentioned it before but lately, I received a painful reminder and so here I am.

Let’s start with this harsh reality… WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TYPE OF PARENTS OUT KIDS HAVE. Period.

The truth is, growing up a lot of us didn’t have someone to sit our asses down and have this conversation:
The person you choose as a partner is the person you are choosing as a kid’s parent. YOUR kids parent.
This person should be their role model and teach them about love but the opposite is true too.
This person could be their first heartbreak and let down. Their first harsh painful taste of life and love or abuse and abandonment.
This person can be a positive light or a harsh darkness to a kid, your kid.

I know a lot of things are out of control, some people really do surprise us for the good and many for the bad but one thing is true.. patterns and true colors were there before, we just chose not to see them or think beyond ourselves.

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with someone about kids. The conversation went a bit along the lines of how important a kids as to them.
We sat there talking back and forth and it went along the lines of; I want to leave my legacy, I want to expand my family, I want to be a parent.. etc.
I, I, I… but at no point it was an I about how much love they had in their heart and wanted to share with a kid or the things they wanted to do with a kid. It was all this preinstalled notion that they HAD to have a kid and it became something they do deeply felt they needed.

Kids are a blessing. They so truly are but I’m so tired of hearing us all talk about kids being blessings but not protecting these blessings before they come into this world.

Here it is, kids have NO choice in their parents but we do. Almost everyone I know has some kind of mommy or daddy issue but we did so little to make sure we chose correctly.
We just blindly accepted people to have kids with because ‘oh, I love them and I want a kid’, but don’t really talk through it.

Look here is the bit that I learned…

If you are a MOM:
To a boy – You are their first love. you are teaching them what love feels like. Security, patience, kindness, unconditional love and comfort. Commitment, dedication. You are setting standards for women in his life. Support, etc.
To a girl – You are her role model. Even though women and daughters have a rocky relationship, you are teaching her what kind of woman to be! What shit to take and not take, what is possible, you are pathing the road for her. You have the potential to be her very best friend, care giver, guide, therapist.

If you are a DAD:
To a boy – You are their role model! You could be their hero or their nightmare. You are teaching them everything they will know at first about what is a man. How a man treats a woman, cares for the family, how to love , how to support, work ethics, etc. You are teaching him HOW TO BE A MAN.
To a girl – You are teaching her about love. What to accept from a man by the way you treat her and her mother. What to NOT accept. Boundaries. Sweetness. You are filling a massive part of her heart so she doesn’t go licking love off a sharp knife.

So here it is, if when you look at your partner you don’t see someone you’d be proud of if they were your kid, then don’t make them your kids parent. Let me tell you.. whether they are physically close or not, NATURE vs Nuture is a tough surprise. If when you look at your partner imagine them in these roles… do you see him being the kind of love you would want for your daughter ? Cause guess what, she’s going to learn love from him. Would you be proud of your son if he ended up coming out EXACTLY like that man you are dating? Fellas, same is true in return!!!
Would you be happy to have a daughter that was just like her? Proud? Would you be okay with the love she has in store for your future son, your legacy?

When I was 16 this guy I was dating’s older sister took me out to lunch and asked me what I was doing with her brother. I was shocked, had no idea what was going on and she straight up told me.. dating is not for fun. Dating is for marriage. If you have no serious intentions with my brother, don’t give serious feelings because that leads to serious pain. I was never able to look at dating the same after that. Don’t get me wrong, I ignored that shit on and off lol buttttt I did take it with me for life whenever I considered really getting involved. It saved me from a lot more mistakes… I just wish someone would have had a similar conversation about kids before I had my son.

Would you really want to spend the rest of your life until your last breath seeing this person? Talking to them about kids and sharing special events together?
Would you have done right by your kid by giving them this person as a parent?

I probably would have thought 3 and 4 times because now that my son is older and I have to watch the pain he goes through over the parental roles that have given bare minimum, I feel so much pain for him and a lot of anger.
Now, I have to apologize to him because had I really thought this through I would have realized we didn’t share values and they weren’t ever, even before, capable of loving me correctly let alone a child.
I chose a parent that doesn’t treat MY kid, in the way I want him to be treated.
Let’s be real, that’s on me.

Y’all I know things happen and kids are born.. I get this. Kids are not mistakes, they ARE a blessing, but we really have to do better because they deserve blessings for parents too and I think it starts with self-love and healing. Not accepting the bare minimum love that we have to lick off a sharp knife because we have large voids. Asking our selves the real questions before saying yes to marriage proposals, etc.

My heart hurts this week for my kid and there is absolutely nothing I can do but love him as best as I can knowing that there is a void I can’t ever fill.

I’m sending y’all so much love tonight.
I hope you are doing well, your heart is full of love and this year has been magical start.

Until next time!
With love,
-K