Journey 2 Zendipity

Happy 11/11 & Veterans Day!

Today was an okay day…

Been busy with a project I’m really excited to get off the ground, learning a new language and getting ready for some medical stuff for my son. It’s been good to stay busy.

Beneath all that though I finally admitted to myself that I’ve been silently waiting for something to change with someone I love. However, tonight it hit me like a semi truck.. if they wanted me in their lives, they would have me in their lives.

I finally had to be honest with myself that no matter how much I told myself I was moving forward, no matter how much I did or how busy I stayed.. I was still silently waiting to hear from this person. I was still waiting to see their name pop up on my phone, I was still watching the family group chat to feel included but the truth is.. I may am not family. I am a spectator, one that was hoping and waiting to be included again by this person but all I’ve gotten is silence. My last message left on read, no follow through on something like pictures of a little someone I love to pieces, nothing but silence. They come in when they want, they disappear when they want, they talk when they want, then leave me on read when they no longer want to talk. That’s not someone who wants me in their life.

Tonight I finally accepted the actions as the truth. I had to stop repainting colors because the way I was treated was not okay, it is not okay. Regardless of how I feel, of the hope I held, the spiritual pull I felt, the belief that they were my person.. none of that matters when their actions are screaming that they don’t want me in their lives and my feelings in this don’t matter. That shit sucked.

I removed them from anywhere I could see them, I removed myself from family chat and I rsvp’d 1 to the Christmas party.

Tonight, I choose me and my healing. My real healing. Not the healing I’ve been doing while keeping one foot in an old chapter but truly healing and turning the page. I have to. I cannot keep just waiting when there have been no actions to show me I should wait. I cannot keep hoping, watching or hurting my own feelings watching from the outside. I just can’t. It’s been almost 3 months and not a single thing to make me think things will change.

I’m not angry, I’m not even sure I’m sad about the ending of the relationship anymore either .. more of.. idk just something I had to do. It was time.

So tonight in 11/11 I am choosing to turn the page. I’m choosing to continue healing and truly move forward. No more hoping things would be different, no more waiting for them to choose me, no more expecting a reunion just because I feel an emotional tie to them. Tonight I am declaring the page turned because I deserve to be loved, wanted and chosen, which means I had to love and choose myself first.

I trust the divine and I know now more about what I want and don’t want, I know what I deserve, I know what I bring to the table, I know what things I need to heal more on, I know my future goals better.

I will forever be grateful for the time I had with them and the beautiful individuals in their family. No hate in my heart.

So lord – run it! I’m on board for whatever you want for me.